Yes, I am an intersex.
It was my 15th birthday. And I knew all about my surprise midnight party. Haha. My parents were really bad with keeping secrets, they still are. As I was left alone at my room, I was continuously looking at the clock tick-tocking to the last hour of the day. I walked around the room, peeped out of the locked doors, went to the balcony, and looked at myself a hundred times. I was wearing a pink nighty and had roughly tied my hair, a perfect midnight birthday-girl look. I was looking at myself. Tip to toe. I wasn’t curved like my friends. I was thin, my breasts were hardly round, but I had lovely pink cheeks. Maa would often tell me, “not all girls have curves and you are still young”. But, I was going to be fifteen and was excited to see my body grow to look feminine, like my mother’s.
Suddenly! The doors opened and there was everybody; maa, papa, nishu, masi and tiffy. They screamed together, “ happy birthday nimmiii”, and my fifteenth birthday began.
I woke up early that morning. Dressed up for school, as I was stepping downstairs I heard my parents talking.
“She is fifteen now, till when do you think shall we wait to tell her?”, I knew they were talking about me.
“It is not easy, you have handled her the way you wanted but this time I will do it my way”, Papa responded furiously.
I could hear everything as the staircase was adjacent to the walls of kitchen ending before the dining, but they couldn’t see me as I was mid way on stairs.
Papa left for office and I entered the space.
Maa, as usual, put on a smile, as if nothing happened. She praised, “you are looking pretty and got ready on time, sorry I couldn’t wake you up... mm.. I was busy making this..”, and she offered me my favourites breakfast; aloo parathas, baked potatoes, strawberry shake, and much more. She made me forget everything with this and I ate a mouthful of it all.
I got a lot of gifts that day. My birthday party was something that my friends did not forget for months. The food, music, , decoration and the hosting by my family amazed everyone.
But I was stuck by something. The thing, they were not telling me. I knew there was something wrong with me. I was sitting at my room that night with an overloaded bed with gifts. My little sister, nishu was so excited to open them all at once, but I couldn’t match up to her excitement. I excused her and went to washroom. I undressed myself and looked at my body. My walk in closet had full length front and side mirrors, I could see every inch of mine. It wasn’t the first time I was doing this. I had even searched on the internet for a teen girls body and how it should grow. Maa always avoided this conversation whenever I had asked her. My parents used to talk about me secretly and their discussions were always serious. I sometimes felt I was the reason for disputes between them, for some unknown reason. But.... never dared to ask them. I was not usual. My privates looked different to what I had found in pictures on internet. I didn’t feel the way my friends used to feel when talk about any senior boy, there was so much that I had to know. I was staring to my naked self when nishu knocked the doors. “didi! Papa is calling you”
We were there, all three of us. Maa, papa and me. And there was silence. Because I dared to ask this time... “what is wrong with me?”
My parents couldn’t say a word as I continued, “I know there is something that you two are hiding. You were talking even in the morning about it. Why are you not telling me. I am fifteen, you people should tell me. I am grown up.”
They calmed me down as I was getting hyper. And then Papa signed maa to proceed, “Nimmi! First of all I don’t want you to freak out. We understand, you are grown up and you need to know things... about yourself that we know. When you were born you were infectious, even we don’t know the reasons but you were. After few days when you were born, we had to admit you in the hospital because you had urinary blockage.... and that infection couldn’t be treated. That is the reason...”, maa was yet to complete when I freaked out, “ what? What infection? Why is it not treated yet and why not I know this...” but she calmed me again.” Beta, you were not at the age to understand these things... are you getting me?..... would you please listen?”
I settled down on sofa near them and maa continued, “so we want you to know and understand it fully before we treat you... and we will see your doctor tomorrow and get it done. Okay?”
“ but what is the infection? I am sure it is the reason of my slow growth, please tell me” I requested. But they asked me to wait till the next day.
What I was told the next day took my world to an extreme end. The doctor’s words were pinching and snatching my head. “You have an infection in you genitals by birth. The reason you don’t experience menstrual cycle..... we have to take your genitals out so that you don’t catch cancer” I was shattered. I couldn’t utter a word. We came back home and I went straight to my room and locked myself. For hours, I was there in the bathroom crying and crying. With maa continuously tapping the doors. It is when I heard her sobbing that I came out. I announced to my parents that I was ready for surgery. They hugged me. And told me I was the bravest. I couldn’t let my mother cry and I knew it was better to leave a part of womanhood than to die of cancer.
The days before surgery were killing me to every bit. I thought i will die, thought my parents would not love me anymore because I will not be able to produce child. Nishi will not love me anymore for not telling her what to do when have periods every month. I was having bad thoughts. All bad thoughts. I was admitted to the hospital a day before the surgery and papa was there with me. I wanted maa to be there but she was home. They told me nishu needed maa and they wanted to keep her away of this. The next morning Maa called papa and told that he had to visit some client. He kissed my forehead and said to be back soon. The surgery was yet to be done when maa came. I was so happy to see her. I told her how much I needed her. I held her tight. But, she held me even tightly and said something I was not expecting, “nimmi, we are going to a place today. We can have this later when you are ready.” I was not getting any of it but she didn’t seem to care. She didn’t care of what the doctor said and took me out of that dooming scenario.
Next, we were on cab and maa was continuously ignoring papa’s calls. I remember, that was the first time I had heard the word ‘intersex’ and it was unknown to me then, that this word will become my identity.
To be continued...
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