Darshatha- the visible voice : love

Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Friday, 8 July 2022

How to get attention? by Juhi Meshram

If you ask people how to get attention, they mostly say why do you want it? Why would somebody want attention? There are a thousand explanations but a simple answer that they wish to feel wanted, we all do. We want people to remember us, miss us, value us or want us in different ways and there is nothing immature about it. But the big question is how do you get attention?

Well, you don't get it by simply asking for it, because we humans find hidden answers in simple things. You are considered desperate for trying hard and ignorant for keeping it casual. So when a friend asked me this question and I had nothing to say to her, I decided to Google "how to get attention from a man?". And as expected I found so many articles but not a single one had the answer for that. Instead, the articles said so much about how to impress your man, how to understand signs from a man or how to keep him interested in you. There was not one sensitive answer for a woman who might be looking for one, who might be looking to be considered important. It got me thinking, is it too off-stream to demand attention?

So I asked myself why would I, a 29 year old woman, ask Google about what a woman wants. So I stormed into my inner woman for an answer and I realized that there's no direct answer for it since I don't know how a man's mind work and it is not my place to guess or tell a man how to make a woman feel more attended. But there is one thing that is in my place to do and that is what I am going to do here.

I am going to tell you one very obvious thing that we all know but avoid confronting and that is our true emotion. The reason being, whenever we have tried it in the past, we have been heartbroken. Be it in our past relationships, our social lives or our professional lives. If I speak for majority of women, we have been taken for granted by our men, we have tried too hard to fit into society and we have definitely been questioned for making it big in our careers. It has been empowering to fight the odds but it has always been tough for our mental well being. Is it easy to understand now that why a woman seeks attention?

There might be a similar story for men but I would leave it for a man to tell. As for a woman, being a woman, all I can say is that we all have someone special in our lives and those special ones need our time, attention and emotion from time to time. And for you, no matter how many people you have in your life, you want that one person to be attentive to you. Now, this one special person might change multiple times in your life but till the time you have that one person, give them all the attention you can. And if you think it's too tough for you to provide them with that, then be upfront and tell them. Lets just be realistic and accept that there can be different special ones in different point of our lives or more than one special-ones at same point of our lives. Yes! I am considering the casual relationships we have and even then we are entitled to value all our 'casually-special' ones. I am a woman and I want attention and so does your woman. And instead of thinking why does anybody want attention, just think that a little attention may soothe a fragile mind struggling to sail through the day.

written by:

Juhi Meshram

on cover:

Nibedita Upadhyai

Sunday, 1 August 2021

wildlife

Let's Be Friends by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 16:00

“It’s Sunday! And it's friendship day! Let’s go fishing!” I was excited to test the new fishing rod that I bought. Coco, my Labrador, came running to me. Behind him, came my 9 year old son, Dhiru. But he did not look very happy.

“What happened, Dhiru? Why are you unhappy?”

“Papa, why do we have to go fishing?” he asked in a sulky tone.

“Because... it is a holiday! Don’t you remember the fishes we caught last time?”

“Umm.. but don’t you think fishes like it more when they are under water? I mean, we only kill them for our dinner. We can have... veggies too...” he said.

“Woah, where is this coming from? You had so much fun the other day. I bought this new rod only for you.” I was confused and did not know what to say. Coco was staring at Dhiru too.

“Thank you for it, Papa. But I think we should not use the nature.”

“Use? Yeah, but we cannot do without using nature, buddy.”

“But we are using too much.... Everything of it. And in return, we give nothing.” Dhiru made me start to think.

“Who told you all this, Dhiru? The TV guys?” I really wanted to know.

“We had a guest at school yesterday. He talked to us. He is a conversationist.”

“Haha, you mean a conservationist.”

“Conservationist, yeah!” Dhiru continued... “He said... Our car harms the air, our garbage harms the soil, we use too much water everyday.... and now we are eating nature too...”

“We are eating nature?” I was dumbfounded.

“The animals, Papa! We are eating the nature! Nature has always given to us and we only use it without thinking.”

“But.. Coco likes to eat fish. And we love it too. Don’t we?”

“Yes Papa, but that’s not love. If we love fish, we should let them go. I cannot think of being killed and cooked... and eaten... and..”

“Don’t say that!!!” I shouted.

He went silent. He slowly put his head down in disappointment. I put my head down too... in shame.

Coco got really stimulated seeing us sad. He vigorously started licking me and Dhiru’s face. Dhiru’s words, Coco’s expression, this silence... everything made me stop and... think.

“Papa, he said we have already used the amount of nature that was given to us for the whole year. It is only August. Now after this, whatever we will be using is not ours... not ours yet.”

“Really? It was the overshoot day?”

“Yes, the overshoot day. Look at Coco... the trees.. the lakes.. they are all our friends. They provide us with food, material and health... and company.” He made sense.

“Hehe, yes...”

“But only they do their part...like a friend. But we are not good friends to them. We only think about us. The wooden floor we are sitting on was once a green tree. They oil we use were beautiful flowers... Nature is all around us.. Helping us live.”

“That is true, Dhiru.” I understood what he was trying to say.

His face was still dull. I wanted to cheer him up.

“Come with me.” I said. Coco stood up at once and his eyes widened.

“Where are we going?” Dhiru asked.

“To the fishes.” I said with a straight face.

“Let’s just not go fishing, Papaaaa.” I could see tears forming in his eyes.

“No Dhiru, we aren’t going to fish. Let’s pick some fish food on the way and you can feed them all at the lake.” I smiled then.

“REALLYYYY... YAAAYYYY.” screamed Dhiru. Coco retorted with running around us.... jumping.

“Let’s just do what we can, from now on. Let’s be good friends to nature.”

“Yayyyyyy... Yes Papa, we will.” Dhiru’s eyes gleamed.

“Let’s go fast!” I said clapping my hands. Coco jumped more.

“Yes.. Let me get the car keys.” Dhiru stood up.

“No bud. We are walking.”

Sunday, 25 July 2021

vibration

Humanly Resonance by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 14:26

Do you believe in the theory that says when people vibrate with the same frequency, they attract themselves towards one another? That when people meet, they are 'meant' to meet? Do you believe that universe fights for souls to come and to be together?

I think I do.

I know.. It is not easy to buy that there is a universe sitting above us, pushing people in certain directions, irrespective of the daily lives they are already leading. But, why not? Keeping all rationality and cognitive thinking aside, I particularly am sold on the essence of romanticism and mystique the concept holds. May or may not be for a particular motive or purpose, I believe people (or matter per se) don't encounter or engage for nothing.

When you mindlessly find yourself at a random worldly chatroom and you connect with a stranger on a deeper level, when you suddenly meet a schoolmate you never talked to at a party and realise you have a lot of common interests, when you team up with a co-worker and attach with them quicker than you could ever have, when you feel in 'sync' with a person regardless of their age, gender or relation.. it should (could*) mean something, right!?

And no, its not just about love or attraction. I believe, syncing up with an other person can make us feel a little more understood, a little more owned. This convergence can, in turn, reduce anxiety and induce mental healing and wellbeing. The act of recognising the association can itself feel liberating and can boost one's knowledge of self. So, why resist it when there may be a chance? It doesn't have to appear like a fairytale. It can be simple, but assuring. Your heart will know.. even if your mind disapproves.

It is not something to fret about though. We don't have to wait for it, we don't have to work towards it. It should, above all, feel as effortless, smooth and organic as breathing. I guess, only then it can bring a positive difference in our lives.

Monday, 23 March 2020

wrong

Realisation & Redemption by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 00:04

The truth, the lie, the reality, the meaning, the existence, the absence... it is all in front of your eyes... NOT at the back of your head. Sometimes you just have to accept it, live it and get over it.

It is okay if things did not go right, it is okay if you fail, and it is okay if you have been broken to pieces… IT IS JUST OKAY. Life is not a smooth free-flowing highway, but the off-road you never intended to take. We all go through all of these things (and worse!) during the time we live. Some look for truth, some look for acceptance, some look for closure, some look for silence… And we do that in our own ways.

We want to be understood, to be accepted, to be loved. But I do not think ‘getting things right’ is actually about getting our immediate outer environment right; but it is really about getting ourselves together, understanding self needs (not wants), and setting newer goals. We should not be letting our happiness be dependent on the external sources. It should be more internal. We should be seeking for what truly will give us peace. Ultimately, the internal territory is much more rewarding and much easier to conquer, don’t you admit?

Once we start knowing and understanding ourselves, we begin simplifying the external territory… and eventually the negativity starts dissolving. This way, we get more time to foster positivity and, more importantly, harmony.

Let’s start getting more sterling rather than stellar… more true rather than terrific… more real rather than right.

Tuesday, 24 December 2019

work

Beautiful you by Tabassum Nasrat

wearedarshatha 18:57

Alright. So, we have seen all those ads and TV series and movies. Everything that promotes fairness and how not being fair is a curse has been portrayed every now and then very prominently. Let’s be done with that already, can we? Enough with those unreal beauty standards defined by the society. Let’s face it, being fair or tall or having that “not really making sense” figure does not really get us anywhere in life. It is just another reason to point a finger at you, by people who really have nothing better to do. That’s it. That thin waist, that fair skin, and all that, that is not mandatory. It cannot make you feel good. If you are rotting within nothing can make you feel good. It is just like the nature you see. Some like the beaches, some find the mountains beautiful, some like the cities, and some just like the country side. They are all beautiful nonetheless. Let us take another example. How about we take some food into account. Dessert maybe? A chocolate cake? I loved chocolate cake. And the chocolate flavor, a lot. It was sumptuous to me, divine, love, orgasm. With time I got over it. Now I look at it, it is beautiful, but I would not pick that in the blink of an eye. But it did not lose its taste. It is still a delicacy sought by millions. It did not stop being made because I stopped liking it. It is still there, existing, flourishing, coming out with a better version of itself every now and then, not to impress me. Not really. We are not some restaurant or café who need great customer reviews to sell.

I might be expected to write something magical, that will suddenly magically touch the right nerve, and everything will change, and you will believe in yourself and start loving yourself. No! After reading millions of posts, poems, watching videos, I still could not. I could not believe that I am beautiful. I could not believe that I have qualities. I have been told, by many, morally pushed up and morally pulled down. And guess what? I was more inclined toward the pull down. So no, it would not happen in a day, probably not in a week, not in a month, not in a year either. Because it is the minuscule steps you take. It is how you decide to do it anyway even if you are bringing yourself down. I was a fat kid with nerdy looks. And I never cared. I did not bother to look good or put efforts. I was busy being a kid, a teenager, creating chaos in the class, being mischievous with friends, preparing for exams, learning how things work, setting up goals. I was not a very confident person back then either. Not at all. But I did not see the need for validation from someone else. I did not need to look good to someone else. But we grow up, we see more, we get into the society more, and that is when things got to me. I felt fat and I felt a misfit (still feel it). I want to grow out of this, but I cannot because I see people defining beauty standards and I cannot seem to be catching up. Those flawless skin, shiny hair, smooth hands, sexy dresses, those curves. I cannot seem to have any. Or maybe I just do not see me that way. To me I am still the fat nerd. The ugly tomboy. I have friends who constantly remind me that I am a quality human, a rare species (not bragging). But nothing gets through to me. I look into the mirror, I only see flaws. Being fair might not be my beauty definition. Mine could include a different list. Every time I want to get hold of it, it slips out of my hand. Imagine my despair! But that is probably because I have been waiting for validation. Validation from people who I don’t know, who don’t know me, who don’t care, who probably are not even aware of my existence. People who “don’t matter”.

I matter! My validation to me should matter. People cannot find you or me beautiful, that is up to them. “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”, heard that so many times. So why blame ourselves when they cannot see us beautiful. Why blame our body and tire our minds when our eyes too seem to be not working well? Why be so tough on ourselves? I have glasses on, I am myopic. Every time I go to an eye specialist the power of my glasses only increases. That should have taught me how bad my eyes are. I cannot even see my own reflection properly, I cannot even read something that is 3 meters away and there I sit judging myself. How is that fair? I see women walking by and I find them, each one of them beautiful and confident and so bold and shy and everything nice. And I look at myself and think why I couldn’t be that strong to feel that way about myself, to send the same vibe out to someone who is probably killing themselves over their looks. See, the problem lie in the roots.

But I am constantly trying. Not by trying beauty products, nope! But by eating right to keep me healthy. I am not trying to woo away the guys with my looks and throwing some unnecessary bone to them to draw attention, but constantly trying to get my mind away from negativity I have created about myself within me. I am not investing largely on some doctor to give me “society described look”, but I am going online and talking to people about our bodies, how it functions, how it changes with age, the hormonal effects, the nutrition requirements and I am grooming myself that way. I have spent a lot on beauty products, and trying to look good, and wanting to look good without wearing any make up. But no concealer and liner or beauty cream can make me feel good, but me! No beauty products really worked, unless you are using something to cool your skin, you know the refreshing feel in the summers. There I was successful. But otherwise it was a waste. Now I try and invest on my health instead. In pampering myself, getting the much-needed hair spa now and then, a nice mani-pedi, a soothing massage. I work out and I push my body to heal in the process. I have grown mentally and physically. I have grown so much to be able to move another girl and see beyond these beautifully and carefully designed standards. Yes, I am still failing to make myself feel that till now. And it’s okay, because the first thing is to be aware that the outside world does not get to validate me, unless it is my performance review at my job which determines my hike. I am my own validation and I know it. I just must work towards it.

So the point is you don’t need an hourglass figure to rock a bikini, you just need the bank balance (or an angel to gift it to you *wink*). So, go buy that dress that you liked and weren’t sure what society would think, or let your teeth sink into that cake that you love, then go for that run you need to feel liberated. Eat, sleep, exercise and invest in yourself, in what you want and not what the society thinks. Learn that language you love, learn MMA, get bruised, get rough or get married to the one you feel worth it and be happy making home with him/her. It is all on you. Grow as a person. Not for anyone else. Learn to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile and be flustered at the way you look at yourself with a desire to love yourself as if a lover so passionate. You are not born to make others feel good, or just to be married. You are not a baby making machine either. You are a lot more. You are a miracle. You are a blessing in every shape, size and color. You are beautiful and no magic words can make you feel that unless you let it break through to you. I am working on it. You should too. Do not look at the shiny hair or the flawless skin or the sexy dress next time a pretty lady passes you by. Instead see how she feels confident about herself, how she cares not about anyone, look how her boldness makes her beautiful. Look at that, take that from her. How she simply slays it. Because she is about that. It is tough, I get it. But you will never get there if you keep taking the wrong steps instead of the right. Even the biggest discoveries in science has room for variables. A healthy body and a healthy mind are your CONSTANT!

Let’s stop promoting the fairness cream and those supplements to enhance your assets. Let’s promote the girl now, let’s promote the women. Let’s promote Her.

Story by: Tabassum Nasrat

In frame: Tabassum Nasrat

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

thanks

A Vote of Thanks by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 21:30

Like every year, I posted sweets and a card to Nanu, with a handwritten note, "Thank you for being the best teacher, happy teachers' day". I giggle as he proudly mention how one of his students wish him every year without a break. And he is right.

After all, he was my second teacher... during all those summer vacations, he had taught me life. I still feel grateful to my parents... don't remember who made me walk for the first time, Maa or Papa, but I am sure both made me escape the fall. From how to walk, how to utter, how to speak, how to dress, how to behave.... there were numerous times that I had learnt numerous things from them, and am still learning.

I don't remember my first day in school, but I have those school friends. I learnt to share, to play...from A B C D to friendship, I had it all. We never liked exams but they come to upgrade us to another standard. Like the one did to me.

It was the first time I lived without my parents. But then, hostel had it's own lessons for me. Doing things by your own and friends be family... were the things changed a whole lot of me.

Travelling alone, dealing with college assignments, career objectivity and learning to survive... it all became easy with time.

And, how can I forget my first boyfriend and first breakup. I laugh on the matter now and realise it was needed to overcome traumas. It had it's own set of learnings... to deal with failures.

My qualification offered me job and my passion turned me towards opening this restaurant... I have reached thinking about my life lessons.

I take this opportunity of teachers' day to thank all my teachers... off course, I can't thank all of them, but the ones who stayed.

And lastly, when I glance back at my life today, I don't forget to thank myself, for never giving up instead of all odds.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

wedding

Dark by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 20:00

I was just half awake when a voice encroached my peaceful morning. It was my mother’s, it took me a minute to figure it out.

Next! I grabbed my half fallen blanket, covered my face and tried to sleep. But, the noises did not let me. This time, they were more than one. I stepped down the bed finally, and crossed that distance till living room which seemed to be a mile away. We had some guests and maa was talking to them, or I can say screaming with them. I rubbed my eyes to clear the picture and there I saw; maa, masi, masa and two others. I greeted them, all of them, but they kind of ignored me amid their serious discussion. That day I realised that you might be the best son or you are home for just 3 days or you were a scholar all your life, you will just be ignored if there is a serious conversation going on. And when I say serious, it is not about the cold war between India and China or about the monsoon in Delhi, it was about a neighbour’s wedding. I stood there thinking for a while and then went straight towards the washroom. The voices were so clear from there, thanks to our compact 2BHK apartment. I chose to hear them.

“You won’t believe Meenu, I told his mother straight that how she could agree for this marriage. She just walked away, couldn’t say a word.” Maa said to masi.

“I think there is something wrong with Anup. He is MBA, earns lakhs per month, is good looking, then why this girl? There must be something we don’t know.” masi replied.

“Yes, she is not even rich.” said masa. This much was enough to tense me. I was suddenly breathing heavily. I had come home for a week for Anup’s wedding. He is not just a neighbour but my childhood friend. We were similar. Went to same school, graduated from same college, I went Bangalore to pursue career in IT while he post graduated with MBA. Last night I was busy celebrating with Anup and other friends. But this morning snatched my hangover. I knew what they were talking about, why they were talking so and why they did not like Anup’s wife. But I prayed not to hear those exact words. But they continued.

“She is an MBA too, they were batch mates…” said an unknown voice.

“But she is too dark, couldn’t you see. There must be other girls in his batch”, I heard maa.

“Yes, you know I couldn’t even get her face, she just camouflaged with the lights”, said masi.

For the next few minutes, all I could hear were laughs. I couldn’t take anymore. They kept on saying when I joined the room, this time without caring about being ignored.

“So you people are talking about Priya”, I sat beside maa. All the faces stared me for a while and then maa said, “Anup is your best friend, couldn’t you tell him to find a good girlfriend.” And the laughs continued. “And why do you people think she is not a good girl?”, I added.

“This generation is so blind about relationships, Raghu think about his kids they will be dark too.” Masi replied to me. “So what masi, even your children are dark, because masa is, does it make any difference to their personality?”, and I crossed the line for them. “Beta, I am a man, head of the family but a woman… needs to be pretty.” said masa.

“So it is not about kids, then what? About being a girl. So, Priya is MBA earns equally like Anup, she has mentally supported Anup when he was down after uncle’s death, and they make a good duo with their compatibility. They have taken responsibilities of both the family way before the marriage and haven’t failed yet. She is better in fact best choice for Anup for she loves him and he reciprocates”, I took a deep breath. “Love lasts for days, but there are other things too, how would he manage with her, I mean how he would love her?” said masa. “Are you talking about sex?” I replied, to which maa frowned but I did not stop, “Let it be a private topic for them.” “But what about family status, you don’t know how her mother is going to answer people.” said masi.

“Which people? Whom should she answer? People like you? Maa? People like us?”

There was a silence. No! They did not get my words. It is just that… they faced the mirror and stood staring to what they are.

Saturday, 4 March 2017

work

Love, That I Lost to Hate by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 17:00

“Tea?” I asked, like every other day when he is back from the office.

“Ah! Sure. Today was again a stressful day. But you know, I figured out something really important today.” he was smiling.

“What is it?” I smiled back.

“Hehe, it relates to the research I am working on. I was going a little off-track. But, today I fixed it. It was so obvious that I felt sheepish later. But, you see? It was all for the good.” It seemed as if he was talking in his sleep, as if he was in his own dreamland. I loved this thing of his. I couldn’t stop smiling.

And “That’s so good, Suru.” is all I could say.

“Yeah. I have to go back and continue even today.” Suru said.

“You have been doing this often lately. I just want you to take care.”

“Yeah, I know. I want to finish this soon and correctly. Ajay have been helping me constantly. We are good.”

“You don’t look good with dark circles.” I complained, only to keep the conversation going.

“I am dark already. And we are in the United States. Nobody can tell if I have dark circles. Haha!” the optimist joked.

“Don’t say that. You are the brightest thing in my life.”

“Aww... and you are mine.”

“Come back soon, Suru.”

“Of course! Thanks for the tea, Soni. I will see you tomorrow morning then.” he was all set to leave for the office again.

“Hmm... I will miss you.” I meant it.

“Aww.... No, you wouldn’t miss me. Because, you would be having a super tight sleep now. You too are working and you get tired, don’t you?” his eyes were in mine.

How does he always manage to make things sound so right?

“Yes... I do...”

“Good. Now, go sleep like a baby. Take care.” He gave a quick kiss on my forehead and went past the main door. I locked it and went to bed obediently.

----------------------

I woke up to see his sleeping and almost smiling face next to me. I checked my phone, got freshened up and went into the kitchen following the daily routine.

“Good morning, Soni.” said a deeper voice of Suru from a distance.

“Good morning. All well?”

“Yes. I had a lovely sleep. So did you. I came back around 3, took a bath and slept beside you. You did not have a hint.”

“Oh! I am so sorry....” I felt guilty.

“Hey, I am kidding. Even, I did not want to wake you up. Now, take the sorry back.” He said.

“Okay... I take it back. Wait on the table, I will bring your tea and the newspaper is on the console.”

“Thank you.”

I woke up at the same time each day but a few days, I don’t know why, I run late. Like, today.

“Can you help me pack the lunch?”

“Noooo... I can’t.”

“What do you always do this, Suru? Why can’t you?”

“Soni.... If I pack my lunch, I would know what I would eat later on. But if you pack it, I will have that surprise element.” He had his excuses.

I waited a bit to digest what he had just said. But then, I couldn’t control my laughter.

“Hahaha! You talk like a comedian.” I said.

He had his funny child-like face on.

“When we will be having a baby, he is sure going to look like you. Exactly this face of yours!”

“No, I would want him or her to look like you.” He said checking his phone.

“We will see.”

“My Whatapp friend’s group is full of messages. Ritvik is getting married, finally!”

“Ritvik from Mumbai?”

“Yes. He is inviting us.”

“Oh, let’s try and take a few days break then. Our long-thought India trip is yet to happen. Maa will be very happy too.”

“You are right. Let me see if I can get a leave.”

“Okay then. I am going to get ready. I am running late. Here, your lunch box.” I handed him the box.

“Anna datha suhkhi bhava!” he said, raising his arm.

He said this phrase every time he is elated with someone’s offering food to him. It sometimes feels so good to listen to our regional languages while living in the States. Detached, yet still very rooted. That is how Suru is. I always asked him if he misses his country or wants to go back because I knew he was one true and loyal citizen. But he was an optimist. He believed if we can live here happily, we should continue to live here... happily. He believed that unless we are good to others, others will be good to us.

----------------------

Later when I was at my office, I received his text-

Going to the grill and bar with Ajay in the evening. See you straight at dinner.

Little did I know- that this was going to be a lie; that he was not going to see me at dinner that night; that he was not going to see me ever. He never returned. They say he was shot. An overactive ‘fairer’ man misunderstood him due to his colour. At first, it felt like I would go and take away his life. But then, what difference would this make? This wouldn’t bring back my Suru. And Suru would not suggest me to do this... if he was alive.

I did not realise, that I never thought how life would be without Suru. That is why I stay clueless even now... about what actually will happen with me. What made the guy shoot and kill another guy? Hate? Hate for a skin colour, for an entire race? Or was it intolerance? Does it have to do anything with co-existence? Why couldn’t he just live with the hate? How does this hate empower us to the limit that we loose our senses? What did he get out of this? He is going to sleep alone in an empty grey cell for the rest of his life. What a reward he got... for spreading hate.

But the hate remains... in every one of us. Millions of examples lie in front of us. They just lie- dead. Somebody pick them up! Somebody give them a meaning! Somebody show how powerful its antonym, love, is!

Saturday, 21 January 2017

war

Sairat- Mad In Love by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 18:00

Dear Son,

I stood gazing the bullet when entered the campus. Every time that I heard the bullet roar, a smile had conquered my face and that day even the bullet looked me back. My incentive heart popped out as the rider walked by my side & took her seat in the class. My eyes couldn’t stop staring her and that day even she didn’t take her eyes off me.

Love is to live, hate is to war

She pierced his eyes

And left him wounded like a cigar

Even the most pakau shayaris by my friend couldn’t lower our romance. I now knew she wasn’t an ordinary girl. How other stories in our village took place: Boy looked at girl and she blushed, boy stared girl and she complaint her friend, Boy followed girl to her home and she shied. But here! In our story: I looked at her and she asked me why, I sent letters to her and she started playing with me, her brother beat me and she warned him to not touch me. And that day, she stared me all the time in the class, not thinking about what others think, not caring about the professor and breaking all stereotypes that how a girl should be.

As it was not enough to stare me that she came all the way to my home driving her tractor. My stomach giggled as she asked me to meet near the fields, yeah! Indirectly but she did it. And my life changed, yes my 18 year old life changed as she proudly walked into it.

Love is to live, hate is to war

She has now entered your den

She will set us far

His worst shayaris continued as we came along. And I never realized what was the time that I had actually fall for her.

Your Father

Parshya

___

Dear Son,

He was such a shy boy, and dumb too. It had been months that I knew he liked me. Thousands of time I hinted him that I too liked him. But! Blame his decency or innocence that I was ready for the leap and he was just walking behind me. Actually it wasn’t his fault, no one else could be as gutsy as me, and even my cousin brother couldn’t stand before me.

The time he gaped at me while I played kho-kho in the ground, the way he looked at me when we crossed ways in the campus. He feared me like others did but then there was a sense of owning when his eyes fell on me. May be I fall for that look.

Initially it was all a fun game for me; I liked to tease him when he sent letters to me, I liked to bully him in my way. I wanted to meet him more, talk to him and spend my time like that.

And that happened soon. I was not that person who could hold things for long or wait for the right time to appear. I chose my time and drove to his home.

That was the first day we directly met, talked and looked into each other. Those were the moments when I actually felt myself to be ordinary as I was not able to freeze time.

If he was the field I wanted to wrap it on me, if he was the pond, I so wanted to jump into it and if he himself was the time I wished to travel the time.

Our days became a routine as we me every day. The fields in our village witnessed our love and our friends became our armor as they cleared the way for us to meet.

Love is to live, hate is to war

You two are now together

Let us go to the bar

His friend started his weird rhyming. I wished I could teach him English.

Your Mother

Archi

___

Never in life did I imagine something like that could happen to us. I blinked my eyes and everything that I had was gone. There was a grand party going on Archi’s home. We were all dancing and having fun when I saw a people fighting and soon we too were dragged in.

They beat us really bad. parshya, I and Pradeep were badly beaten by Archi's family. They had discovered Parshya nad Archi together. Our little heaven changed into hell.

Archi and Parshya ran away from village and got settled in city. Parshya’s mother and sister had to leave village in the fear of death. And our life too changed.

I wondered how they would be doing in that big city without us; they must be scratching their lives to survive. And one day I heard that they were killed by Archi’s brother. They had a son. I never got to see him.

Honour killing became their fate and I was left with my shayaris, they remined me of Parshya and our times.

Love is to live, hate is to war

Life stood broken

When war left scars

I know they must be missing me, the way I do. We had lived the best time together. And they were the best friends I had.

___

Parshya- What happened to your nose?

Archi- I got this mark when we were killed. Why do you ask the same thing time and again? And you know it doesn’t hurt.

Parshya- And you know I love to irritate you. Are you happy? We are together at least.

Archi- Humans seem so small form here, and so is there plastic life. No one could ever set us apart.

Parshya- Yeah, I just feel we could nourish our son; we have got good neighbours though.

Archi- Yes! That is the only wish that never happened. All we can do is to pray for his well being.

Parshya- Yes! And we should soon find a way to send these letters to him telling him our love story. Still don’t know how to post letter from heaven.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

winter

The Knot by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 17:00

I tightened the grip over my pheran when a cold gush of wind swayed through me. It was just like another cold winter morning. I was sitting on the curved edge of the lake, thinking about my father. And, I was trying not to.

I slid my leg down towards the water inch by inch. The water surface felt like glass, tight and shiny. Just when I put my whole foot on the icy floor, it cracked open and I lost balance. I frantically grabbed the branch of the tree hanging just beside me. My feet were in water and I couldn't move for a generous amount of time. I was not thinking straight. The sudden thought of drowning in this disturbingly cold water made me jump out of the lake at once.

I was back, sitting. This time, I couldn't feel my feet inside the shoes. I managed to stand after a very long time. Later, I started marching back home with my heavy bag.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Did you get the fish?" mother asked.

"No." I replied, pretending to look uninterested.

"What!! I told you!! We are expecting guests if you remember!!" she started shouting.

"Maaaa, calm down. The fish is in the bag." I smiled, warming my legs with the woollen scarf.

"Ohhh, Hahaha! My sweet Lado!" She vanished into the kitchen with the bag in no time.

My cousins were visiting us from Srinagar for the first time. Mother wanted to give them the best hospitality.

"What can I help you with?" I stood up wearing two socks together and went towards the kitchen.

"Chop these." She slid a plate full of veggies towards me. "Have you set the music player up?"

"Ma! What will we do of the music player? Play musical chair?" I was getting irritated.

"Zoon! You are 23 and you still argue like a kid. Be nice to them. Anjana likes you very much. She always asks me to tell you to talk to her.... and Aditya, he is a sweet boy too. Always listens to his elders....” and she was doing it again. Her anxiety was making her chatter. This happened every time when she had a lot of work to do.

We cooked and did the dishes. The temperature started lowering around 2.30 pm. Mother was getting worried because they were to reach before it was 2 pm.

"Maybe we should...." the door knock interrupted her."Finally they are here!"

She ran to open the door.

"Come come!! Soon! It is very cold outside! Get yourself covered. How are you both? How come you are late? Was the road not good? Did th...."

"Ma! Let them answer one-by-one!" I broke her speech.

Anjana and Aditya were covered with woollens. They seemed lost upon the bombardment of my mother's questionnaire.

----------------------------------------------------------

It was already late. We did not take time to gulp down the yummy dinner. Soon we were gathered to drink the mandatory kaada, covered in quilts. Ma was somewhere in the bedroom.

“Thank you, aunty! It is warming up the whole body!” said Aditya, loud enough to let Ma hear.

“Yes, it is. And we know aunty is a great cook. The fish was delicious.” Anjana said with the widest smile.

‘They are sweet’ I thought in my mind. “She likes to cook, and this fish is one of the special items.” I was trying to look sweet too.

“It is called the Hokh Gard, isn’t it?” a curious Anjana asked.

“Yes, Anju.” I said. Ma came with scarves for all of us.

“Wasn’t this fish curry Ratan uncle’s favourite too?” Anjana asked.

Aditya glanced up immediately. Ma was staring at Anju, but soon she turned away. And I pretended not to hear her.

“I will go and make the bed for all of us.” I said and walked away.

----------------------------------------------------------

Ratan Neka is my father. He was in the transport business, so he had to travel a lot. It was last year’s winter evening, Ma’s friend from the town came to inform her that my father had been attending and visiting another woman. The cold weather and stirring news was sucking all the senses out of her, but she opted to regain strength. She chose to ignore her, believing it was just a rumour.

The next morning, my father was home. Ma did not bother him with any query or even a single doubtful question. It was a cold evening and we finished dinner early. They both covered themselves for a long walk to the lake. It was a mandatory thing that Ma had enforced. I bid them goodbye and settled under the quilts with a nice book. They did this walk after every dinner, whenever we all were together. But this time, only Ma returned back home.

Some say my mother pushed my father into the freezing lake after knowing that he was an infidel. Some say she took her revenge. It was a chilly winter night of doom for us. Eventually, everyone disowned us. Just like Ma did the other day, I chose to ignore what everybody said or did. I never had the courage to ask her what happened that night. Since then, I have feared winters, the season that I once loved. Since then, the thought of drowning in the icy lake make me sick in my spine, as if I have felt it myself. Since then, whenever I pass the lake or sit around it, I try not to think about him, but I fail.

----------------------------------------------------------

“Let me light the Kangri again. Can you place the lamp near the outdoor tap?” I asked Ma while she was standing against the wall, lost in her thoughts.

“Ye-yeah.” she abruptly went towards the store room.

After lighting the pots, I went outdoor to check on Ma. I saw her struggling to light the lamp while she was wiping tears off her face. I stood there for a moment, feeling bad for her. There was nothing that I could do.

I ran and hugged her from the back. She couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I did n-not do it. I did n-not kill your fa-father.” she said, breathing heavily.

I hugged her tighter.

“It was an ac-accident. Th-the soil was slippery...he sl-slipped... he went out of sight in no ti-time.... I stood there staring!! Coward I am....” she broke into huge cries.

“Let it go, Ma. Let it go.”

I did not know how to handle such situations. I kept hugging her tightly. We both cried. This cry was held back since last winter. It was much needed- letting go.

Anjana and Aditya were listening. They came and hugged us from behind. Nobody was saying a word. We had a moment of unity. This moment of silence cleared everything.