In continuation of 'Yes, I am an Intersex.- I'
http://www.darshatha.in/2017/10/yes-i-am-intersex.html
It was another clinic. And! I wondered why she pulled me out of one hospital just to push me into another. In last few days my whole world had turned upside down and nobody was telling me what why when. My parents wanted me to take the surgery so I did, my mother wanted me to escape it so I did, they wanted me to not ask anything so I did. But I was not a puppet, I still am not. How could anyone treat me like that. I was standing there at the middle of clinic reception and all these thoughts surrounded me all at once. I freaked out and just ran out getting rid of maa’s hand. As soon as I reached the main gate running across the garden, I felt a strong hold on my hand that stopped me. I turned to see maa. I was crying so bad that I couldn’t hear her screams. She must have held me tight because I had no control over my body. I was fighting to get out of there all at once. It is then that her words came out, “I will tell you everything, all at once.... but then you have to promise me that You will come here with me... promise?” I calmed a bit and then agreed. I had no choice. Maa took a cab to Mid-day cafe. She was continuously talking to me. At one point, I asked her, “how do I trust you... you have lied before” and she didn’t freak out at me but replied generously, “hear me first and then trust your instincts. I won’t ask you for anything then.”
The aroma of coffee and a less crowded space relaxed my body but my mind was not resting, “would you please.. now tell me...? Everything.” She ordered a sandwich and coffee first, may be she was checking on my patience and then she chose to tell me, “you were inside me and everything was normal. We didn’t know your gender but we did know about our baby. Everything was fine. Your papa gave me all the love and care. And then! You were born. And I cannot tell you how happy I was. But! Then there were some issues....mm... you are fifteen. I should tell you. Nimmi! Nimisha! When you were born, you were a normal child. You were healthy. And doctors told us that you were girl. And...”
“What do you mean they told you... I am a girl” I interrupted but she didn’t mind it.
“Hunny, how do you know You are female? How do I know? Yes there are majorly two type of bodies and the two types have different parts, different vocal quality, different genitals and different chromosome that lead to different experiences in life due to physical infrastructure. These two types are attracted towards each other. So we call them male and female. We. For our convenience. God hasn’t assigned it. God, or you can say our creator. We have named Him God. And we want these body types to behave the way we want. We call ourself society and set rules for these bodies. I could be a male and your father could be female... if the society had said so. So in that sense...you were a female. But this is how we understand humans. But we are small people and the creator has a lot to offer us. He haven’t just created these two types.... you have heard of transgenders,right? What do you know about them?” She asked me and I was so frightened, “ their gender identity is different from what they have been assigned”. She replied quickly,” perfect! This is what you have read. This is right but very brief. Like we know two body types namely male and female. But there are not just body types. Males and females brains are differently wired, their external genitals, internal, there chromosomes, everything... everything together make them what they are called. But transgenders or more specifically trans man do not have the combinations similar to normal man and a trans woman do not have everything similar to normal woman. That is why we call them that. And we don’t even accept them the way we should. This is the reason you see them begging in the traffic signal and trains. We take their blessings but don’t take them. The families they are born to, don’t accept them and leave them to do all this.”
I got her point, “If we worship our creator then we should accept all its creation including animals,birds and transgenders.” And she went excited,” exactly! And may be we are getting it all wrong. May be, there are not just two body types. Yes what we call male and female are in majority but then transgenders are not made by mistake. They are just the third type of human we don’t understand. And have you heard about LGBT?”
I was quick to reply this time,” yes... lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender”
She was happy, “great! But this is what we commonly know in india. But the whole study says it is LGBTQIA. You know the initial four and then... Queer, Intersex and Asexual.”
“What are these?”, I had entirely forgot about my problem till then.
She started again, “queer is the type of human who don’t know their gender identity or sexual orientation or both. Intersex is a whole different thing, and asexual are people who have no sexual desires. Now these are different types of human we don’t consider normal but they exist normally, to a lesser number but they do.”
“What is about Intersex people?” I questioned.
“Intersex people are born differently from what we call a regular ‘male’ or ‘female’, they might have variations of chromosome, gonads, sex harmon or genitals. The real problem in India is, we don’t even know the existence of these variations in human being, we are still struggling with accepting LGBT, that America has done decades ago. It will take time for us to understand the other Q, I and A. It’s okay to take time, but the more time we take the more they will suffer.”
I knew every bit she said was right,”the reason you are telling me all this is because I belong to one of these, Do I?” It is then that I realised we might be talking about my problem.
“Yes. Now that I told you everything that I had I should tell you about your body. So, you were born normal but with time we got to know you had some issues at least we took it that way. Your vagina had a very small opening, you were small but we decided to consult doctor. You went through some tests.... and what we got to know after that completely shocked us. You went through test to know your internals, and...” , she held my hand,”you had no ovaries and uterus, instead you had testes and you deserve to know that you still have them.” I took my hands back or my senses do that I don’t know but I was moved. But maa didn’t stop, “nimmi, you were patient and understandable when I was telling you about these people but why are you crying now when you know you are one of them” I was crying, I was crying really bad,” I don’t know... I think we behave sane only when it is not related to us, and all the other times we freak”. There was a smile in her face. She
Came to my side and kissed my forehead, “you are my intellect child, you took all this really well. I was not accepting this from you. Okay... so now you know why We didn’t tell it to you before?” I nodded.
“You will now come with me to the doctor?” I nodded again. I was still crying but I dared to ask again, “but! If... I never ever had... reproductives than... why the doctor was operating me?” She paused and I knew she was again hiding something, “ you will get to know in the clinic”
It had been an hour and I was pretty much normal till the time we reached the doctor’s chamber. “ Hi, I am Mridul. i was supposed to tell you what you are going through but you just ran away and your mother did it for me.” He was saying and it was so embarrassing for me, “so! The only thing that I can tell you know is... I am not going to treat you because I can not. And for two reasons; one I am just a psychiatrist and second, you have no disease that need a treatment. And I am just going to counsel you” I nodded in agreement and he went ahead, “your mother got to know me from Gary, Gary is himself and intersex and is working as an activist for their well being in USA. I had met him during my visit to US for LGBT research and I got to know all this. So I help people here in India as condition for such people is worse here.” I interrupted,” but how did you know Gary, maa”. i felt guilty as no one responded, doctor continued with his words, “you really thank your mother and then you father too. It was new for them when you were born, but when you were 1 and a half years old, doctor told them to operate you and take your testes out, as it may lead to cancer. Your mother fought to your father and dismissed any kind of surgery till they fully understand your condition. And he agreed. They went on researching and talking to different people all these years when you were growing up. They met Gary online and them they met me last year.” He sighed and gulped some water, “But they were also meeting their family doctor because you know parents cannot take chance when it is about their child.” I had tears again in my eyes and he continued, “you can cry. You father just got influenced by doctors when they said testes would make you male gradually and it is not his fault. You can take out testes or keep them intact, it’s totally your call. But then you should know there are consequences when you do so. And even if you don’t take it out you are not going to face problems in life. The only thing you need to do is accept... the fact that you are an Intersex... there is nothing shameful... You are naturally this... and your body will not behave as female because it is not. If you understand these things your life will be as normal and as good as it is meant to be.”
It was not my only sitting with Dr Mridul. Whenever we needed guidance we went to him. That day when we went home, papa did not scold me or maa for escaping the surgery, he rather hugged us tight and cried his heart out. He didn’t want to lose us.
I am nineteen now. I am studying BA in sociology and I wish to work for people like me and help them lead a normal life. I have a boyfriend and we are so in love. No, I haven’t went a surgery. He knows what I am and he has no issue. And I am having a very simple life, my parents support me, nishu loves me and everything is so beautiful around me. I have an ambition in life and I love my life, I love mu body and I love myself. I still go to the walk in closet, undress myself and look into the mirror. But I end up smiling at the uniqueness of my edges and curves. I am so much feminine but in a different way. I am thankful to my parents for accepting me and letting me choose what I want to be.
They didn’t ask me to study science in 11th standard, they didn’t ever ask me to behave the way society wants me to and they didn’t ask me to behave like a girl. I am an Intersex and they let me be it.
November 8: Intersex Day of Solidarity (IDS), or Intersex Day of Remembrance, marks the birthday of Herculine Barbin, a now famous French intersex person. (Source- intersexday.org)
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