I have always been said that fears, remorse and regrets are paralytic. But lately I have realized that the reason for my decision paralysis is.. Hope. 

I was sleeping until I was not. I reached for my phone in the dark and as the dim screen light fell on my face, I saw it was 4 in the morning. I had hardly slept for two hours but I was wide awake. I minced my eyes pretending to sleep, but I failed. So I grabbed my phone again. I turned on the flashlight and looked around the queen size bed where I was lying alone. For some reason I had been doing that every time I woke up during the night. I opened the small window in the room looking outside where there were already trucks moving in the GE road below the under construction metro line. I looked away and looked into my phone to text Anuj saying, "zinda hai?" He was offline, so I stared at the screen scrolling our chat. I had texted him every night for more than 3 months now and I was having trouble sleeping for about 8 months. Initially I used to jump straight into Netflix or Prime. But I later realized that it was actually contributing to my insomnia, same was the case with reading books. Sometimes I had even tried to work but it seemed hopeless so I stopped. I shared it with a friend of mine, living some 1000 miles away and since then, texting him had become a ritual. I would text him every night and we would chat about nothing. It gave me sense of presence. Though I wasn't living alone, I had flat mates, my friends were present at the reach of my phone and I had an exhausting job. It wasn't homesickness either then what was it? What was keeping me awake? Anuj wasn't online so I pressed back to scroll my contacts. I was looking at names, for people whom I could text and talk. I had 5 people in my speed dial but I couldn't press the call button. Something told me I would be disturbing them. So I went back to our chat and started reading my messages. I had sounded like a lonely person looking for reasons to continue the chat. And he knew me and for some reasons he was always awake, so he had spoken to me every time I had texted. It was comforting but at the same time it was making me more miserable. After a while I switched to Netflix, I tapped on every icon, watched some teasers. I switched to Prime and watched some more. But I couldn't decide on anything to watch. It took me a while to realize that I was scrolling again, aimlessly. The left edge on my phone screen outside the app which shows time read 06:00. I had no sleep in my eyes, so I wore my headphones, played a random playlist which couldn't grab my attention much and closed my eyes. I was silently praying for the sleep to get me. 

I woke up around 12 in the noon. I had slept for 6 hours straight and that was more or less how much other people sleep. But the problem was that I already felt tired. I wasn't fresh, I wasn't ready to leave the bed or even face the day and above all, I wasn't jobless. I was a freelancer with a Modular Interior company and I had to submit my designs today. I woke up with all the force, made some eggs and coffee, opened my laptop and started working. I played my playlist on phone. It was hours before my slow laptop gave me desired results and when I looked out of the window, it was already dark. The sky doesn't turn purple in Mumbai before 7 in the evening. Then I decided to take a walk. I went to the market nearby, listening to my playlist. I shopped grocery while my roommate bought some clothes. It was easier to get good clothes in reasonable rates in any damn market from any damn neighborhood in Mumbai. But lately I was not even looking at those clothe shops. I had gained fat in tummy; visible enough and it wasn't making me any more excited about myself. We came back home and I got glued to my phone again watching COMICSTAN when Anuj texted. It was 1 in the night when I removed my headphones. I closed the window to get rid of the outside noise. Apparently, I had learnt well that Mumbai actually never slept and living alongside main road didn't help. We chatted for a while. He had a night shift in his job and that was his reason for not texting. He never pitied me for feeling lonely or sleeping at odd hours. I used to sleep 6-7 hours a day anyway, I wasn't going to office everyday and I was always hooked to my bed; so there was nothing to be pitied about. After a while he went back to work and I was left alone, again. And all the talk went away as well. I was again feeling insomniac, hopeless and distracted. I checked my mail as I had to travel the next day to meet a client. For a change, I switched to my personal mail and started reading old mails, the times I had written to my friends. I was reading each mail and jumping through nostalgia and emotions. With each mail I felt more hyped and blamed it on myself for being too emotional. I was exhausted, I was before screen the whole day. It was 5 in the morning and I had to start for work at 8 am the next day. Surprisingly, I woke up exactly after 2 hours without an alarm, like it was fed in my mind. I was always happy when going out for work. I met my client and colleagues in the office, finished with my work for the day, roamed around for few hours and went back to home. It was evening and I had no work to do. I spent some time with my roommates and then went back to my room. I was looking at my screen, it went from 8 pm, to 12 am to 4 am. I had slept for 2 hours the previous night and still no sign of sleep. I was feeling hopeless again, like I was not with myself anymore. I tried to cry but there were no tears to shed in my grief. 

The next day, I didn't leave the bed till it was 2 in the afternoon. Next to that, I left my bed in the evening. I knew I had to work hard for a breakthrough but I had no idea where to begin with. I had been awake every night for 9 months now. I had hardly seen the sun or a clear sky. The only days I would go out were either for work or for grocery shopping. And those days counted 5-6 in a month. I was still looking for the breakthrough, I was still chatting with Anuj, who was trying his best to make me feel normal. I was lost but I had no clue on where to look for myself. And then it clicked. I had not written a single word in 9 months or before that. It was 2 in the night when I searched the cupboard for my diary. I looked and looked and when I found it, the last page read October 2018. It was late September 2019 when I found my diary again. 

So I figured I was missing the passion and probably a direction. I wrote that night. I looked out of the window and kept writing. I wasn't writing any story, I was just looking outside and recording everything I heard or saw. 2 turned into 6, night turned into morning and I kept writing. As the sun came up, I tied my shoes and went for running. It was a nice morning. I heard the birds chirping after ages, I witnessed the sunrise after ages and I ate breakfast in the morning after ages. I was so happy after a long time, like I had cracked it for myself. Then, I was so tired by 11 am that I went to bed. I had a trouble free sleep after a while now. When I woke up it was already dark. I looked outside the window and the sky was purple. I was finding it hard to leave my bed. I was feeling hopeless again. I was feeling lonely, like most of us do when we wake up in the evening after a long afternoon sleep on a weekend. Anuj had once told me that every time before sleeping he would text a few friends, so that when he would wake up and find even one response from those people he would not feel alone. I never forgot this, but I always forgot to text people before sleeping. I knew what I was feeling was not just loneliness, I knew what I was feeling was different. I wanted to cry as nothing had changed, I hadn't cracked anything and I was back in the loop of endless nights. But there were no tears to shed in my grief. Yet there was something different about tonight, as I had seen the morning before. I knew now that it was the absolute bottom where I was. I couldn't go any down and if I did, I would lose all happiness one could hold for keeping to live. The mere thought of it terrified me and there was only one thing to do now. It wasn't about hope or happiness anymore, it was about survival. Even if there was a little happiness in the morning, a little hope for myself, I had to look for it. And after that, every night I have kept looking. Till this day, I don't know what I was missing, my best guess is realization. 

Story Writer: Juhi Meshram 

On Cover- Anuj Saxena