I looked around the room to find my place; on the left side of the door was a supplanted centre table full of baggage, next to it was a maroon polished almirah that touched the other wall, attached to which was the floral carved wooden double bed full with sleepers and next to that was my sister sitting on the floor stitching her blouse. There was an old computer table on my right that now served as another baggage counter. I found myself in middle of nowhere. Middle! That clicked me and I settled on the floor near the almirah.

Somewhere I felt middle-class to be a social name for poverty, I realised this when I glanced the room for the last time before I took a deep breath to start. And the moment I took out the nail clipper to cut my nails a sharp but curious voice held me in between, “you can’t cut nails at night.” And I faced up to see my cousin on the bed. How did I overlook her while observing the room? I thought... and then I overlooked her one more time. “You DON’T cut nails at night.” she was restless this time. “Yes you don’t”, a voice with more authority came this time; it was my sister’s. 

I continued cutting my long dirty nails and asked them the reason for not doing so at that hour of the night. And for no surprise they were ready with the answers.

Cousin: one loses money if they cut nails at night.

Me: whose money?

Cousin: areyy! Your money, you fool.

Me: who told you this?

Cousin: I know.

Me: how?

Sister: you would have known it too if you listen to our elders... you are a girl...

There is a time you know you need to take the blame and call off the conversation because; if you stretch it anymore it can get deadly. It was that time. I nodded and ignored them at the same time.

I had a sleep. NOT GOOD. NOT SWEET-DREAMY. JUST- SLEEP. It was so because I got to sleep amid various snoring as our tiny middle-class home had no soundproof rooms or in better terms... the doors didn’t close due to seepage.

Tujhko uda kar ke!

Tujhko uda kar ke!

Tujhko uda kar ke le jaaenge badri ki dulhaniya...

I woke up confused to whether I was dreaming of an item song. But! It was television. Drawing room and my bedroom, which was not exclusively mine, were happened to be planned diagonally opposite, separated by a small dining. And slowly as I gained conscience the song was accompanied by other background scores...

 Nani: roti banao jaldi jaldi tiffin bharna hai.

Ma- aai thamb! Ban rahi roti, tu bas.

Mami- kab jate hai chinu aor saha kam par...

And it went on. It was not every day that we had this many people in our house but Chinu’s birthday was some occasion for them to reunite. It was pleasing to meet all, it always was. But to SLEEP, to HEAR, to RESIDE, it was always clumsy. 

I waited for ten long minutes to use the tommilet. And yes! It takes a lot of effort to wait... for toilet ... in the morning. Then I brushed my teeth with cousin Dinky, Parrot Chikki and one other at the backyard.

I stepped into the 7x4 feet kitchen to find three women working in team; one rolling the flour dough balls, other was making parathas and the last one, was cooking sabzi. The moment, yes the moment I took a spoon of boiled egg in my mouth, my nani turned to me, “pehle nahana chaiye tujhe!”

I kept the plate back in the platform sighed and raised my voice against it. I said, “why?” and next, maa gave me an angry look that was enough for me to leave the kitchen that very moment.

I ate my breakfast hearing advices, hopes, stories and what not. But mainly advices... DON’T BE LATE, YOU GIRLS SHOULD COME HOME BEFORE DARK, EAT LITTLE MORE YOU LOOK THIN, WHY DON’T YOU CARE FOR YOU FACE YOU LOOK HORRIBLE, STOP WASTING SO MUCH TIME ON FITNESS YOU ARE NOT FAT BUT WORRY FOR YOUR FACE YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

Maa’s continuous hold on you through her 'KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT' look let go the moment and you successfully clear that level according to her when you put a smile at your face and node a yes... all the time. And it was an escape.

And when you think that everything in your life from now on would be better, you just miss the fact that you have a boss for whom you work.

With a hell hectic day of two urgent assignments that day, I was blessed to have a senior female employee who was always ready to give me a detailed speech on the fact that I was a girl and I should be safe.

HER LECTURE:

You should take care of yourself, that worker was staring at you.... I think you work well only when boss pays attention on you.... you should not get emotionally attached to boss; he has a flirty nature... take care of what you wear... I am concerned for you, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you all this... you are like my daughter... I am just advising you... you are grown up, but it’s my duty...

I heard everyone. Instead of disagreeing, I ignored every single word that was told to me. I am done hearing you. Now HEAR ME, HEAR ME. YES I AM A GIRL AND I KNOW IT. I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE, HOW TO DRIVE, HOW TO EAT, HOW TO SIT, WHAT TO WEAR, WHERE TO GO AND WITH WHOM, HOW TO BEHAVE AT THE WORK PLACE, HOW TO WORK, HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND HOW TO BE SURE ABOUT MY SAFETY.. AND EVEN IF I DON’T KNOW THESE THINGS, IT IS MY PROBLEM NOT YOURS, ALL I KNOW IS I AM A GIRL AND NOT A MACHINE WHO WILL ACT YOUR WAY JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME THAT WAY.

But this time the reason that kept me shut was just being tired of hearing those things and because it was not bothering my work.

Eight at night, in a busy main road, I was driving my scooty when I heard some boys yelling and abusing badly, they were behind me on their bike... Like advised I didn’t turn and kept going. When I heard a female voice loud, I sank in fear, but I gained my courage to turn for another girl and I saw a scooty fallen on the road. The yelling boys were nowhere to be found. There were two girls on the road. One of them told me that those boys were following them from sometime, they were drunk and were asking them to stop and when they didn’t, one of the boys kicked the girl on the back seat and drove off. The girl was not injured physically but mentally, she was not saying anything and was only breathing heavily.

The girls had worn scarf covering their whole face, neck, chest and even stomach, just their eyes were visible. They were fully dressed with jeans and top on. I helped them clean the dust and asked them to complain, to which they said, “Nai baba! Bach gaye na, bas. Marna thode hai complain kar ke”

For the first time in the whole day I regretted something, regretted not turning at the correct time. I could have caught them or at least I could have seen the number plate on their bike. And it also made me think that- you say what you want to say to a person and go off but don’t realise what impact it makes on that person. The way those girls responded, I realised, they were not fainthearted but they too were a victim of hearing things that girls SHOULD NOT DO and were the obedient Indian females- who didn’t complain.

My father is a religious person. He believes that mukti yatra cuts down the impurities and cleanses the soul.  He always wanted to do this yatra through which he gets to visit lots of mosques and dargahs. His 60^th birthday was approaching. December is a cold month. So, I decided to take him on this yatra myself. It was supposed to be memorable, and ultimately it was.

I planned a 12-day trip over 3 states of the North, covering 16 of the important religious sites. Abbu’s birthday was right in the middle of the trip- on the 6^th day. We left home with a bag full of anticipation and good hope. The first 5 days went exactly as I planned, but not Abbu’s birthday.

On his birthday, we were to explore the city which had a great importance in the Hindu mythology. We thought of taking the essence of a sister religion and some extra blessings from the Hindu Gods too. There was a 16^th-century mosque that Abbu wished to visit. We reached the place early in the morning. Abbu said he would sleep sometime before going to the mosque in the afternoon. I tried sleeping too but a weird feeling kept me up. I went down for some tea. There was a small stall which served tea, coffee and snacks. There were three people other having tea there. I asked for a cup and sat on the bench.

“Munna ka tabiyat bigad gaya, nahi to hum jarur jaate.” said the slim guy wearing a kurta.

“Abhi bhi time hai, aap ja sakte hain. Program 3-4 baje se pehle khatam nahi hoga.” Said the chai-wala.

“12 baj gaye hain, ab jaane ka mann nahi.” The slim guy replied.

I was keenly listening to what they were saying. I started getting interested upon hearing the word ‘program’.

“Muaf kijiyega, kis program ki baat ho rahi hai?” I asked.

“Aap kahan gum hain, bhai- sahab? Itni badi rally nikli hai aur aapko nahi maalum? Kal ki ghoshna nahi suni aapne?” the other guy in a kurta asked back.

 “Ji, mai aaj hi aya hun. Yatra par hu Abbu ke sath. Masjid jaane ka iraada hai kuch der me.” I clarified.

There was a sudden silence amongst us. The two guys in kurta looked at each other and then looked away. They had finished their tea.

“Chal chotu, hum chalte hain.” the other one said and they both walked away whispering.

“Aaj masjid jana aapke liye theek nahi.” said the chai-wala.

“Kyu, bhai?” I was getting anxious.

“Yeh masjid vivaad me phasa hua hai.”

“Itna to hume pata hai, bhai. Par log to aaj bhi jaate hain na wahan?” I wanted answers.

“Haan, Magar aaj ki rally wahin ho rahi hai, aur aadhikarik raay iss masjid ke khilaaf jate hain. Aakhir hai to yeh sheher ek Hindu dharm sthal.” The chai-wala’s words were making no sense to me.

“Kya isse ye maalum hota hai ye yahan masjid ka hona galat hai?” i asked.

“Hamare kehne ya sochne se kya hota hai? Hai to raaj satta ka.”

“Satta? Kya yahan ki satta sabke liye baraabar nahi?” I was confused.

He jolted his head and looked away. His silence was making me uncomfortable. I wanted to see the rally. I wanted to see the mosque.

“Masjid ka raasta kis taraf hai?”

.......................................................                                                    

Crowd, a disturbed crowd was all I could see in front of my eyes. I kept on walking. I could hear them chanting. Those chants were piercing through my body like little needles. I could sense instability. I could sense insanity. I went closer. I could now hear the bhaashan that the politician was giving.

“Iss bhoomi ko hame samtal banana hoga, baithne layak banana hoga. Taki yahan samoohik kirtan ho sake, bhajan ho sake. Yagya ka aayojan hoga....”

‘What is this man trying to say?’ I thought in my head. The mob kept cheering and chanting.

“Jai Shri Ram! Jai Shri Ram!”

When I went further and got the first sight of the mosque from a distance, I stood there perplexed. It was right in front of my eyes- the wrecking. The domes were being hit, the walls were attacked. It was hard for me to digest what I saw. The main dome fell... then another... Just then I saw something flying towards me and hit me.... I realized I was sitting on the ground, full of dust, when I came back to senses. The mosque was not standing anymore. My neck hurt, but it did not matter to me.  

People had started returning to their homes. I returned too. On the way back to the hotel, I could not stop thinking about what had happened. They said it was essential, as it was an important Hindu site. The political leaders were smiling. The people were dancing in victory, chanting slogans and celebrating their win. Did they actually win? Who won? How can anyone justify the existence of a Hindu site? How does demolition of a religious building define their sanity? The security forces ran away. Further, there was no effort put to stop them. Why? My head was full of questions.

Abbu was awake and really worried when he did not find me in the room. He had already gathered the information about the demolition but my absence was a bigger concern for him then. When I reached, Abbu was watching the news on the TV with widened eyes. He ran to me and held me by my shoulders.

“Khairiyat hai?” he was shaking.

“Han Abbu, mai khairiyat hu, magar ye desh bahut beemar hai.” I replied.

He had tears in his eyes. I was broken. There was nothing that we could do.

“Chal, laut chalen.”  he said, still shaking.

.......................................................

It is February. About two months passed... and riots, commotion and deaths are all that we saw. Every other day we woke up with the death toll rising, new cities being engrossed and more hatred in the air. The fire had struck. Temples, mosques and other random buildings were targeted. We too were invited for a meeting to remove people of the other religion out of our locality. Ordinary people had turned into activists. People were dying. But, what could we do?  

Whenever there is a state of disagreement, why is agitation and anger the first and the last option? Why do people think that destroying a monument of killing the people would solve or pacify an issue? Why does a positive ground, the religion, become the reason for the unending negativity? Why ‘co-existence’ is no more a word with a meaning? But, what could we do?  

I suddenly felt like a culprit. I never thought anything beyond my family’s happiness. Who thinks about the country’s happiness? Who thinks about its integrity? Lots of our countrymen died, about 2000 of them. Are our countrymen, our extended family? If no, then why do we share the same land? If yes, then why are we still silent? 

I decided, I would not sit silent anymore. I will do my part. I will propagate my questions, and I will derive the solutions. I will. 

Happy new yeaarrr!!! LET’S NACHO. This is the best moment. The whole year I have waited for this one time, this one hour. The sound of woofers, flicker of lights, roaring people, overloaded fun, and the whole atmosphere is hyped. But I love to live this hyped life. The moment when all family, friends, strangers; in fact the whole world rejoice together to bid goodbye to the year and welcome a new one.

Standing beside my friend & DJ Alex I am feeling so proud to experience the success of my first ever independent event and trust me, it’s insane. The crowd is making me feel high and trust me again; I haven’t gulped a single drop of alcohol yet. This moment is no less than intoxication and I am totally drowned into it.

I am closing my eyes now, to feel the passing air, its chilled! Yeah! I am feeling a nudge in my shoulder, someone is calling me... but I don’t want to break this moment... GO AWAY!!! IT’S MY TIME. “YES, IT IS TIME WAKE UP NOW.” The voice yelled.

10 a.m. Shit man! I am late. I had to call the caterers. The decorators, they must have reached the lounge and what about Ala? Shit! Shit! Shit!

“You must be dreaming about the party, I am trying to wake you up from the last two hours....”

“C’mon Maa, you should have thrown me out of bed, I am too late! I had to see the decoration and... And there is a lot... Wait! I had to pick up Maira and her troupe from the airport on 11 and... It is 10:15.

“Maira?”

“Our DJ for tonight, Maa. Please take out my black pants and... yeah my sweatshirt is here. I will leave in 5 minutes, Maa please be fast.”

“Beta, eat before you leave, you will be busy the whole day.”

“I have no time Maa, please get my things ready!”

I yelled as I shut the bathroom door.

The moment I stepped out of the airport was a pure surprise. There was a guy holding my name board which read

                                                 Welcome to our land Maira.

                                          Your ride is waiting for you this side.

And there it was. A pretty girl smiled at me and I recognised her- Needa, our event manger. My first meet with her was really good. Being so young, yet so confident for her work is commendable. It was my first time in this city. From last 3 years, my mornings, my nights, my festivals, all have been in different cities, with new faces and a lot of music.

I remember being an in house DJ for a small club in our city. From that small job to this popularity I have come a long way. All I do now is... I travel; play, sleep, play and I travel.

I love my life because I love my work. This is what I always wanted to be. There were so many objections as I belong to a family of engineers. They allowed playing as a DJ sometimes for interest but choosing it as a career was never their take. I remember a New Year when I first got to play for a party of my friend other than a club. The moment clock struck 12, with the crowd going crazy, somewhere in my mind I had made it clear- this is what I have to do all my life... the way I heard people yelling my name I knew this was all I wanted to hear... DJ Maira!

Yes, it feels bad that I don’t get to celebrate these days with my family. I feel alone many a times when we video call and I see my family together. But I am satisfied with the fact that when I am home I am all theirs, and my Mom proudly tell my relatives when she watches me on TV.

My slow morning picked up gear as I dropped Maira at the hotel. In the next 3 hours I met the caterers, we started with the decorations, checked the arrangements again and again and I got nervous as many times I breathed. Everything was smooth till now, yet I was panicking a lot. After all it was my first ever event.

I totally jumped into event management after 12^th; I worked for four years during and after my course. Those four years brought a lot of things to me; concerts, parties, corporate events and what not. But what always kept me going was to start it of my own. I had worked day in day out for this one evening, saved a lot of money and stayed away from my family at times. But it was all fruitful when I saw my family making merry over my start and proudly inviting their friends for my first event.

There was a lot of pressure, there were so many who suggested me not to start this soon, that too in my own city as it’s not a metro. But then there was something called believe in self that was all.

It was five in the evening. The event had to start at 8 o’clock. I was confident. Everything was set, there were only a few hours left for my dream event. I suddenly felt sad. The reason was unknown but I felt sad and negative. What if things would fall out of place? That one question led to another bundle of questions... What If I would not be able to sell all the passes,  what if people would not like the food, what if the atmosphere would not be decent, what if this ... what if that.... what if I just... suck been an independent planner?

There I was standing at the middle of the party lounge, 3 hours away from my event and I found myself stuck in these thoughts. I took a deep breath, held myself. And the next moment! I just turned around and what I saw was true magic.

What else could you do when your friend was a total loss? I couldn’t sleep the whole night in the fear and excitement of Need’ event. I woke up early only to hear no answer to my calls. As always she was late and she broke her promise to take me with her to pick Maira. Now, I had to wait till the evening to meet her.  Meanwhile, I did all the boring yet relaxing things like watching TV at home, checking social media accounts time and again, going to spa and parlour, trying my dress and sleeping.

I had come to my hometown on vacations and this time I had cancelled all other plans for Needa’s event. We are childhood friends. Ever since I know how to spell ‘friend’, I have her. She is vibrant, crazy and yes, always late; yet my best friend.

I was never enthusiastic about extra-curricular like her but she never topped exam like me either.

I was always passionate about computers, software and animations. That took me to moving out of the city to the near big city for engineering and then for job. I love my work as I design games for all generations. Staying away from family was never my choice but then I had to choose between the two: family and career. Yes, choosing this career gave me lesser gatherings with family but I am happy whenever I meet them and I am satisfied when I see them happy about me. Family is always primary with all the other choices that I want to make for me.

I was sitting with my Mom in the parlour when I got Needa’s SMS:

Yet again, it brought my favourite moment. I was there at the stage facing the lovely faces that were cheering my name and were dancing happily on the mixes I played. And the time countdown for 12 began even I lost my wits. This countdown always filled me with possibilities to explore more; more of life, more of music and more of nature through it. I lowered the sound as we began

                         10      9       8       7       6         5         4         3         2         1

HAPPPYYY NEWWW YEARRR!!! And a new year started with happiness.