Darshatha- the visible voice : time

Showing posts with label time. Show all posts

Saturday, 6 August 2022

Stubborn Hopes by Shristi Nangalia

I have always been said that fears, remorse and regrets are paralytic. But lately I have realized that the reason for my decision paralysis is.. Hope.

While things around me take their sweet time to fall into place, I waited. I waited for magic to happen, I waited for signs from the universe, I waited for the wrong to turn right on its own... hoping it was possible and that it will happen tomorrow, or day after, or months after..

Soon enough, after perceiving that its unrewarding, I started fearing hope itself.. which seemed to turn even more futile for my growth. I needed answers. Should I hope or should I not? Does hoping involve a strategy? If not hope, what do I hold on to?

And then yesterday, when I was trying to fall asleep late in the night, my phone buzzed. It was an email from 'The Artidote'. It was their weekly newsletter about self-faith, penned by Jova. I opened the email and started reading...

What does it feel like to have full faith in yourself?

What must it feel like to hold a deeper knowing that you can trust?

When we dare venture to move beyond what we currently know and experience something new (gain new perspective), not only may we be able to answer some questions we’ve already posed for ourselves… but we may find answers to questions we don’t yet know to ask.

But you gotta dare venture. Otherwise you will remain with the same questions in a loop; coming up with answers based on a limited perspective of where you've already been..

We cannot be afraid of something we don’t know (because we haven’t been there). It's impossible, literally. What we are afraid of is repeating old knowns.

That’s why meditating on what it means (and feels like) to believe in myself has been crucial in this moment of my life. Knowing that I will always know what’s best for me and that I will always have my back, no matter what new territory I reach, has made all the difference.

Some people call it “confidence.” But confidence is really only the belief that you are always capable of learning new things.

I paused for several moments. I re-read it.

I understood that its not hope that I should cultivate.. It should be belief. A belief that I have what it takes to change my life for the better.

I understood that I have it all- experience from what's done, acceptance of what's to come and tendance for self.

Rather than outsourcing good feelings, I promised myself to try to produce them myself with the gifts from life available to me.

I set up an alarm 30 minutes preceding to what I usually set and tried to sleep.

Written by- Shristi Nangalia

On cover- Smita Sharan

Saturday, 21 January 2017

war

Sairat- Mad In Love by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 18:00

Dear Son,

I stood gazing the bullet when entered the campus. Every time that I heard the bullet roar, a smile had conquered my face and that day even the bullet looked me back. My incentive heart popped out as the rider walked by my side & took her seat in the class. My eyes couldn’t stop staring her and that day even she didn’t take her eyes off me.

Love is to live, hate is to war

She pierced his eyes

And left him wounded like a cigar

Even the most pakau shayaris by my friend couldn’t lower our romance. I now knew she wasn’t an ordinary girl. How other stories in our village took place: Boy looked at girl and she blushed, boy stared girl and she complaint her friend, Boy followed girl to her home and she shied. But here! In our story: I looked at her and she asked me why, I sent letters to her and she started playing with me, her brother beat me and she warned him to not touch me. And that day, she stared me all the time in the class, not thinking about what others think, not caring about the professor and breaking all stereotypes that how a girl should be.

As it was not enough to stare me that she came all the way to my home driving her tractor. My stomach giggled as she asked me to meet near the fields, yeah! Indirectly but she did it. And my life changed, yes my 18 year old life changed as she proudly walked into it.

Love is to live, hate is to war

She has now entered your den

She will set us far

His worst shayaris continued as we came along. And I never realized what was the time that I had actually fall for her.

Your Father

Parshya

___

Dear Son,

He was such a shy boy, and dumb too. It had been months that I knew he liked me. Thousands of time I hinted him that I too liked him. But! Blame his decency or innocence that I was ready for the leap and he was just walking behind me. Actually it wasn’t his fault, no one else could be as gutsy as me, and even my cousin brother couldn’t stand before me.

The time he gaped at me while I played kho-kho in the ground, the way he looked at me when we crossed ways in the campus. He feared me like others did but then there was a sense of owning when his eyes fell on me. May be I fall for that look.

Initially it was all a fun game for me; I liked to tease him when he sent letters to me, I liked to bully him in my way. I wanted to meet him more, talk to him and spend my time like that.

And that happened soon. I was not that person who could hold things for long or wait for the right time to appear. I chose my time and drove to his home.

That was the first day we directly met, talked and looked into each other. Those were the moments when I actually felt myself to be ordinary as I was not able to freeze time.

If he was the field I wanted to wrap it on me, if he was the pond, I so wanted to jump into it and if he himself was the time I wished to travel the time.

Our days became a routine as we me every day. The fields in our village witnessed our love and our friends became our armor as they cleared the way for us to meet.

Love is to live, hate is to war

You two are now together

Let us go to the bar

His friend started his weird rhyming. I wished I could teach him English.

Your Mother

Archi

___

Never in life did I imagine something like that could happen to us. I blinked my eyes and everything that I had was gone. There was a grand party going on Archi’s home. We were all dancing and having fun when I saw a people fighting and soon we too were dragged in.

They beat us really bad. parshya, I and Pradeep were badly beaten by Archi's family. They had discovered Parshya nad Archi together. Our little heaven changed into hell.

Archi and Parshya ran away from village and got settled in city. Parshya’s mother and sister had to leave village in the fear of death. And our life too changed.

I wondered how they would be doing in that big city without us; they must be scratching their lives to survive. And one day I heard that they were killed by Archi’s brother. They had a son. I never got to see him.

Honour killing became their fate and I was left with my shayaris, they remined me of Parshya and our times.

Love is to live, hate is to war

Life stood broken

When war left scars

I know they must be missing me, the way I do. We had lived the best time together. And they were the best friends I had.

___

Parshya- What happened to your nose?

Archi- I got this mark when we were killed. Why do you ask the same thing time and again? And you know it doesn’t hurt.

Parshya- And you know I love to irritate you. Are you happy? We are together at least.

Archi- Humans seem so small form here, and so is there plastic life. No one could ever set us apart.

Parshya- Yeah, I just feel we could nourish our son; we have got good neighbours though.

Archi- Yes! That is the only wish that never happened. All we can do is to pray for his well being.

Parshya- Yes! And we should soon find a way to send these letters to him telling him our love story. Still don’t know how to post letter from heaven.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

winter

The Knot by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 17:00

I tightened the grip over my pheran when a cold gush of wind swayed through me. It was just like another cold winter morning. I was sitting on the curved edge of the lake, thinking about my father. And, I was trying not to.

I slid my leg down towards the water inch by inch. The water surface felt like glass, tight and shiny. Just when I put my whole foot on the icy floor, it cracked open and I lost balance. I frantically grabbed the branch of the tree hanging just beside me. My feet were in water and I couldn't move for a generous amount of time. I was not thinking straight. The sudden thought of drowning in this disturbingly cold water made me jump out of the lake at once.

I was back, sitting. This time, I couldn't feel my feet inside the shoes. I managed to stand after a very long time. Later, I started marching back home with my heavy bag.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Did you get the fish?" mother asked.

"No." I replied, pretending to look uninterested.

"What!! I told you!! We are expecting guests if you remember!!" she started shouting.

"Maaaa, calm down. The fish is in the bag." I smiled, warming my legs with the woollen scarf.

"Ohhh, Hahaha! My sweet Lado!" She vanished into the kitchen with the bag in no time.

My cousins were visiting us from Srinagar for the first time. Mother wanted to give them the best hospitality.

"What can I help you with?" I stood up wearing two socks together and went towards the kitchen.

"Chop these." She slid a plate full of veggies towards me. "Have you set the music player up?"

"Ma! What will we do of the music player? Play musical chair?" I was getting irritated.

"Zoon! You are 23 and you still argue like a kid. Be nice to them. Anjana likes you very much. She always asks me to tell you to talk to her.... and Aditya, he is a sweet boy too. Always listens to his elders....” and she was doing it again. Her anxiety was making her chatter. This happened every time when she had a lot of work to do.

We cooked and did the dishes. The temperature started lowering around 2.30 pm. Mother was getting worried because they were to reach before it was 2 pm.

"Maybe we should...." the door knock interrupted her."Finally they are here!"

She ran to open the door.

"Come come!! Soon! It is very cold outside! Get yourself covered. How are you both? How come you are late? Was the road not good? Did th...."

"Ma! Let them answer one-by-one!" I broke her speech.

Anjana and Aditya were covered with woollens. They seemed lost upon the bombardment of my mother's questionnaire.

----------------------------------------------------------

It was already late. We did not take time to gulp down the yummy dinner. Soon we were gathered to drink the mandatory kaada, covered in quilts. Ma was somewhere in the bedroom.

“Thank you, aunty! It is warming up the whole body!” said Aditya, loud enough to let Ma hear.

“Yes, it is. And we know aunty is a great cook. The fish was delicious.” Anjana said with the widest smile.

‘They are sweet’ I thought in my mind. “She likes to cook, and this fish is one of the special items.” I was trying to look sweet too.

“It is called the Hokh Gard, isn’t it?” a curious Anjana asked.

“Yes, Anju.” I said. Ma came with scarves for all of us.

“Wasn’t this fish curry Ratan uncle’s favourite too?” Anjana asked.

Aditya glanced up immediately. Ma was staring at Anju, but soon she turned away. And I pretended not to hear her.

“I will go and make the bed for all of us.” I said and walked away.

----------------------------------------------------------

Ratan Neka is my father. He was in the transport business, so he had to travel a lot. It was last year’s winter evening, Ma’s friend from the town came to inform her that my father had been attending and visiting another woman. The cold weather and stirring news was sucking all the senses out of her, but she opted to regain strength. She chose to ignore her, believing it was just a rumour.

The next morning, my father was home. Ma did not bother him with any query or even a single doubtful question. It was a cold evening and we finished dinner early. They both covered themselves for a long walk to the lake. It was a mandatory thing that Ma had enforced. I bid them goodbye and settled under the quilts with a nice book. They did this walk after every dinner, whenever we all were together. But this time, only Ma returned back home.

Some say my mother pushed my father into the freezing lake after knowing that he was an infidel. Some say she took her revenge. It was a chilly winter night of doom for us. Eventually, everyone disowned us. Just like Ma did the other day, I chose to ignore what everybody said or did. I never had the courage to ask her what happened that night. Since then, I have feared winters, the season that I once loved. Since then, the thought of drowning in the icy lake make me sick in my spine, as if I have felt it myself. Since then, whenever I pass the lake or sit around it, I try not to think about him, but I fail.

----------------------------------------------------------

“Let me light the Kangri again. Can you place the lamp near the outdoor tap?” I asked Ma while she was standing against the wall, lost in her thoughts.

“Ye-yeah.” she abruptly went towards the store room.

After lighting the pots, I went outdoor to check on Ma. I saw her struggling to light the lamp while she was wiping tears off her face. I stood there for a moment, feeling bad for her. There was nothing that I could do.

I ran and hugged her from the back. She couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I did n-not do it. I did n-not kill your fa-father.” she said, breathing heavily.

I hugged her tighter.

“It was an ac-accident. Th-the soil was slippery...he sl-slipped... he went out of sight in no ti-time.... I stood there staring!! Coward I am....” she broke into huge cries.

“Let it go, Ma. Let it go.”

I did not know how to handle such situations. I kept hugging her tightly. We both cried. This cry was held back since last winter. It was much needed- letting go.

Anjana and Aditya were listening. They came and hugged us from behind. Nobody was saying a word. We had a moment of unity. This moment of silence cleared everything.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

wife

Resolutions and Us by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 18:00

Like every other year, I was short of ideas. I always wanted to make the most productive resolutions for the New Year. I am great at business ideas, I am good at inventing new recipes in the kitchen, but I don’t know what happens when it comes to resolutions.

I asked my friends about theirs. One of them said he would stop eating tobacco, one had promised to launch his start-up this year and the others do not believe in resolutions at all. I don’t eat tobacco or cigarette, I am the CEO of my company and I am a hardcore believer of resolutions. No hope here. I felt like drowning. A few days back, my wife said that we should make most of the first day of the year because the whole year follows it. I promised her that we would spend it the most memorable way, the most ‘perfect’ way.

I had to do something about the resolution thing!

‘Help me out. I am looking for resolution ideas!’ I updated my social media status.

My aunt asked me to shift to my hometown, my friends had other rubbish ideas, but I wished to murder the ones who told me to become ‘nicer’ or ‘kinder’ or to ‘love more’. Come on! I am nice enough and I am kind enough to the world. Is that even a valid resolution?

I realized there was no luck in asking anyone anything. Maybe I had to spend this year too without an aim. Little did I know that this first day of the year had different plans for me.

I woke up to my ringing phone. It was 8 in the morning.

“Good morning, beta.” It was my mother.

“Mummy! Why did you wake me up early in the morning? Don’t you know it’s my holiday today? I would have slept till late. You just ruined my day!!” I was yelling, almost.

“Are beta, I am so sorry. I just wanted to wish you a happy new year.”

“Whatever. I will call you after breakfast.” I hung up not caring about her reply.

It soiled my mood. Neera was probably in the kitchen. She came running to the bedroom upon hearing me shout.

“What happened, Durjan? Who was it?” she asked.

“Mummy.” I was upset.

“It’s okay. Sleep some more.”

“No, I am done.” I stood up and went into the bathroom.

A little later, Neera and I were on the breakfast table.

“It was a moment of the past. I think you should bring her back home.” she said in a serious tone.

“What do you mean? I am doing it wrong? She is safe in an old age home, not in a jail!” I was yelling again.

“She does not deserve a jail. You know what happened that night.”

“Yes, I know. She was to take care of Appu. She had one job!!” the innocent face of Appu, my little daughter, came in front of my eyes. She got lost. Nobody knows where.

“But it was not mummy’s fault. She is an old lady, she had a habit of sleeping at 9. We were late. It was 12 when we returned.” Neera justified. We had never discussed this matter before.

“So, what? Bringing her back home will bring our Appu back?”

“Is keeping her away making it any better?” she was firm, a picture of her that I don’t usually see.

“Yes it is. I cannot stand her. Not after all this.”

“Wasn’t she there from the day when you first stood on your feet till the day you actually stood on your feet? I know it was not easy for us. It was not easy for her too. Now, she is alone there.”

“There are other old people around. And, why are you supporting her? Have she started calling you, moulding you?” I was not sounding sensible and I knew.

“Not moulded, but she had shaped me. She taught me your favourite dishes. She taught me to take care of a baby. She wanted to make Appu stronger than you.”

“Rubbish. I don’t want to talk about it. Finish off your works soon, we will leave for lunch at 1.” I walked away. I knew what I was doing. I kept myself busy in office homework.

It was time. We drove to the Rajasthani restaurant for lunch. It is my favourite spot to go on holidays. I was thinking about the lovely food we were going to have. My mood had started getting better. I tried to forget the morning brawl and kept up the smile.

We entered the restaurant. Most of the tables were occupied because it was the new year day. I ran my eyes through the hall to find a good seat when I saw an old woman sitting alone on the corner most table. She looked pretty much like my mother, but a lot older. That’s when I remembered that I told mummy that I would call her after breakfast. I quickly killed the thought as I found an empty table near the centre.

But... “This way, Sir.” The manager guided us to that very corner table.

When we got closer, I realised that the old lady was no one else but mummy. She had aged so much in a short time- I thought in my head. Her face was full of wrinkles, a lot more than I last met her. The smile added to the curves of her skin. Yes, she was smiling but I was not. I glared at Neera.

“You did this?” I asked standing near the table. She was silent.

“Sit beta, you both look really good.” Mummy said. I gave way for Neera to sit in front of mummy, then I sat beside Neera. I was not looking at mummy. But my eyes were craving to look at her, her grown wrinkles and her white hair.

“How are you, mummyji?” Neera asked.

“I am good, beta. We don’t have things to do there. So, I made this halwa for you both today.” She passed a box towards me. I took it and kept it on the table.

“I am yet to make a halwa as good as yours, mummyji.” Neera was trying to impress her or something. It was out of my understanding.

“But, your kheer is my favourite. Uh... was my favourite. S-sorry.” Mummy lowered her head when I glanced at her. “Durju, I feel so happy to see you both after so long. Have you started colouring your hair?”

“Yes. Now, please order the food Neera, I am hungry.” It was getting more awkward for me.

We finished eating. I was silent the whole time. Only Neera and mummy exchanged a few thoughts. Instances of the past came running in front of me. Things that she said often, how she saved me from the tuitions, how I slept in her arms every night – came in my mind in flashes. I pacified with time. I would not say that I became comfortable, but her presence was okay for me now.

The waiter kept the bill on the table and left.

“Durju, isn’t this the shirt that your ex-boss gifted you? But you know what will look even better with this grey shirt? This blue cardigan that I knit for you.” She had bought another gift for me. Why?

I was staring at her.

“I worked extra long yesterday to complete it. I had to. I started learning to knit in March. It was my resolution for this year. And you know that breaking resolutions is not my thing.”

I was still staring at her. How could she? After all the negativity, after all the anger that I showed her, how could she work the year long for me? Every moment of Appu’s absence made me hate her more and more. My belief in destiny made me soothe my sorrow soon but the ego made me keep the grudge on my mother. I knew all this time, that it was not solely her fault. But I hated her.

But she, she made me her resolution. Not thinking about how wrong it was on my part to give up on her and leave her on her own. Papa left her suddenly too, without an explanation. She did not complain. I left her too, she did not complain. I suddenly felt very guilty. My eyes were wet. I could see her eyes twinkling a little more too. I was her resolution. And maybe it was my time to return the gesture.

“You are coming home with us today.” I said. Neera grabbed my hand and we smiled.

This year, I unknowingly created two resolutions for myself. One- I would never let my past control my present. Two- My mother is my root, my nourishment. I will never leave her side, I will be her nourishment from now on.

Maybe it was destiny, maybe it was karma. But, the first day of this year went just how my wife and I wanted it to be- PERFECT.