Darshatha- the visible voice : work

Showing posts with label work. Show all posts

Friday, 29 July 2022

Nights before that day. by Juhi Meshram

I was sleeping until I was not. I reached for my phone in the dark and as the dim screen light fell on my face, I saw it was 4 in the morning. I had hardly slept for two hours but I was wide awake. I minced my eyes pretending to sleep, but I failed. So I grabbed my phone again. I turned on the flashlight and looked around the queen size bed where I was lying alone. For some reason I had been doing that every time I woke up during the night. I opened the small window in the room looking outside where there were already trucks moving in the GE road below the under construction metro line. I looked away and looked into my phone to text Anuj saying, "zinda hai?" He was offline, so I stared at the screen scrolling our chat. I had texted him every night for more than 3 months now and I was having trouble sleeping for about 8 months. Initially I used to jump straight into Netflix or Prime. But I later realized that it was actually contributing to my insomnia, same was the case with reading books. Sometimes I had even tried to work but it seemed hopeless so I stopped. I shared it with a friend of mine, living some 1000 miles away and since then, texting him had become a ritual. I would text him every night and we would chat about nothing. It gave me sense of presence. Though I wasn't living alone, I had flat mates, my friends were present at the reach of my phone and I had an exhausting job. It wasn't homesickness either then what was it? What was keeping me awake? Anuj wasn't online so I pressed back to scroll my contacts. I was looking at names, for people whom I could text and talk. I had 5 people in my speed dial but I couldn't press the call button. Something told me I would be disturbing them. So I went back to our chat and started reading my messages. I had sounded like a lonely person looking for reasons to continue the chat. And he knew me and for some reasons he was always awake, so he had spoken to me every time I had texted. It was comforting but at the same time it was making me more miserable. After a while I switched to Netflix, I tapped on every icon, watched some teasers. I switched to Prime and watched some more. But I couldn't decide on anything to watch. It took me a while to realize that I was scrolling again, aimlessly. The left edge on my phone screen outside the app which shows time read 06:00. I had no sleep in my eyes, so I wore my headphones, played a random playlist which couldn't grab my attention much and closed my eyes. I was silently praying for the sleep to get me.

I woke up around 12 in the noon. I had slept for 6 hours straight and that was more or less how much other people sleep. But the problem was that I already felt tired. I wasn't fresh, I wasn't ready to leave the bed or even face the day and above all, I wasn't jobless. I was a freelancer with a Modular Interior company and I had to submit my designs today. I woke up with all the force, made some eggs and coffee, opened my laptop and started working. I played my playlist on phone. It was hours before my slow laptop gave me desired results and when I looked out of the window, it was already dark. The sky doesn't turn purple in Mumbai before 7 in the evening. Then I decided to take a walk. I went to the market nearby, listening to my playlist. I shopped grocery while my roommate bought some clothes. It was easier to get good clothes in reasonable rates in any damn market from any damn neighborhood in Mumbai. But lately I was not even looking at those clothe shops. I had gained fat in tummy; visible enough and it wasn't making me any more excited about myself. We came back home and I got glued to my phone again watching COMICSTAN when Anuj texted. It was 1 in the night when I removed my headphones. I closed the window to get rid of the outside noise. Apparently, I had learnt well that Mumbai actually never slept and living alongside main road didn't help. We chatted for a while. He had a night shift in his job and that was his reason for not texting. He never pitied me for feeling lonely or sleeping at odd hours. I used to sleep 6-7 hours a day anyway, I wasn't going to office everyday and I was always hooked to my bed; so there was nothing to be pitied about. After a while he went back to work and I was left alone, again. And all the talk went away as well. I was again feeling insomniac, hopeless and distracted. I checked my mail as I had to travel the next day to meet a client. For a change, I switched to my personal mail and started reading old mails, the times I had written to my friends. I was reading each mail and jumping through nostalgia and emotions. With each mail I felt more hyped and blamed it on myself for being too emotional. I was exhausted, I was before screen the whole day. It was 5 in the morning and I had to start for work at 8 am the next day. Surprisingly, I woke up exactly after 2 hours without an alarm, like it was fed in my mind. I was always happy when going out for work. I met my client and colleagues in the office, finished with my work for the day, roamed around for few hours and went back to home. It was evening and I had no work to do. I spent some time with my roommates and then went back to my room. I was looking at my screen, it went from 8 pm, to 12 am to 4 am. I had slept for 2 hours the previous night and still no sign of sleep. I was feeling hopeless again, like I was not with myself anymore. I tried to cry but there were no tears to shed in my grief.

The next day, I didn't leave the bed till it was 2 in the afternoon. Next to that, I left my bed in the evening. I knew I had to work hard for a breakthrough but I had no idea where to begin with. I had been awake every night for 9 months now. I had hardly seen the sun or a clear sky. The only days I would go out were either for work or for grocery shopping. And those days counted 5-6 in a month. I was still looking for the breakthrough, I was still chatting with Anuj, who was trying his best to make me feel normal. I was lost but I had no clue on where to look for myself. And then it clicked. I had not written a single word in 9 months or before that. It was 2 in the night when I searched the cupboard for my diary. I looked and looked and when I found it, the last page read October 2018. It was late September 2019 when I found my diary again.

So I figured I was missing the passion and probably a direction. I wrote that night. I looked out of the window and kept writing. I wasn't writing any story, I was just looking outside and recording everything I heard or saw. 2 turned into 6, night turned into morning and I kept writing. As the sun came up, I tied my shoes and went for running. It was a nice morning. I heard the birds chirping after ages, I witnessed the sunrise after ages and I ate breakfast in the morning after ages. I was so happy after a long time, like I had cracked it for myself. Then, I was so tired by 11 am that I went to bed. I had a trouble free sleep after a while now. When I woke up it was already dark. I looked outside the window and the sky was purple. I was finding it hard to leave my bed. I was feeling hopeless again. I was feeling lonely, like most of us do when we wake up in the evening after a long afternoon sleep on a weekend. Anuj had once told me that every time before sleeping he would text a few friends, so that when he would wake up and find even one response from those people he would not feel alone. I never forgot this, but I always forgot to text people before sleeping. I knew what I was feeling was not just loneliness, I knew what I was feeling was different. I wanted to cry as nothing had changed, I hadn't cracked anything and I was back in the loop of endless nights. But there were no tears to shed in my grief. Yet there was something different about tonight, as I had seen the morning before. I knew now that it was the absolute bottom where I was. I couldn't go any down and if I did, I would lose all happiness one could hold for keeping to live. The mere thought of it terrified me and there was only one thing to do now. It wasn't about hope or happiness anymore, it was about survival. Even if there was a little happiness in the morning, a little hope for myself, I had to look for it. And after that, every night I have kept looking. Till this day, I don't know what I was missing, my best guess is realization.

Story Writer: Juhi Meshram

On Cover- Anuj Saxena

Tuesday, 24 December 2019

work

Beautiful you by Tabassum Nasrat

wearedarshatha 18:57

Alright. So, we have seen all those ads and TV series and movies. Everything that promotes fairness and how not being fair is a curse has been portrayed every now and then very prominently. Let’s be done with that already, can we? Enough with those unreal beauty standards defined by the society. Let’s face it, being fair or tall or having that “not really making sense” figure does not really get us anywhere in life. It is just another reason to point a finger at you, by people who really have nothing better to do. That’s it. That thin waist, that fair skin, and all that, that is not mandatory. It cannot make you feel good. If you are rotting within nothing can make you feel good. It is just like the nature you see. Some like the beaches, some find the mountains beautiful, some like the cities, and some just like the country side. They are all beautiful nonetheless. Let us take another example. How about we take some food into account. Dessert maybe? A chocolate cake? I loved chocolate cake. And the chocolate flavor, a lot. It was sumptuous to me, divine, love, orgasm. With time I got over it. Now I look at it, it is beautiful, but I would not pick that in the blink of an eye. But it did not lose its taste. It is still a delicacy sought by millions. It did not stop being made because I stopped liking it. It is still there, existing, flourishing, coming out with a better version of itself every now and then, not to impress me. Not really. We are not some restaurant or café who need great customer reviews to sell.

I might be expected to write something magical, that will suddenly magically touch the right nerve, and everything will change, and you will believe in yourself and start loving yourself. No! After reading millions of posts, poems, watching videos, I still could not. I could not believe that I am beautiful. I could not believe that I have qualities. I have been told, by many, morally pushed up and morally pulled down. And guess what? I was more inclined toward the pull down. So no, it would not happen in a day, probably not in a week, not in a month, not in a year either. Because it is the minuscule steps you take. It is how you decide to do it anyway even if you are bringing yourself down. I was a fat kid with nerdy looks. And I never cared. I did not bother to look good or put efforts. I was busy being a kid, a teenager, creating chaos in the class, being mischievous with friends, preparing for exams, learning how things work, setting up goals. I was not a very confident person back then either. Not at all. But I did not see the need for validation from someone else. I did not need to look good to someone else. But we grow up, we see more, we get into the society more, and that is when things got to me. I felt fat and I felt a misfit (still feel it). I want to grow out of this, but I cannot because I see people defining beauty standards and I cannot seem to be catching up. Those flawless skin, shiny hair, smooth hands, sexy dresses, those curves. I cannot seem to have any. Or maybe I just do not see me that way. To me I am still the fat nerd. The ugly tomboy. I have friends who constantly remind me that I am a quality human, a rare species (not bragging). But nothing gets through to me. I look into the mirror, I only see flaws. Being fair might not be my beauty definition. Mine could include a different list. Every time I want to get hold of it, it slips out of my hand. Imagine my despair! But that is probably because I have been waiting for validation. Validation from people who I don’t know, who don’t know me, who don’t care, who probably are not even aware of my existence. People who “don’t matter”.

I matter! My validation to me should matter. People cannot find you or me beautiful, that is up to them. “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”, heard that so many times. So why blame ourselves when they cannot see us beautiful. Why blame our body and tire our minds when our eyes too seem to be not working well? Why be so tough on ourselves? I have glasses on, I am myopic. Every time I go to an eye specialist the power of my glasses only increases. That should have taught me how bad my eyes are. I cannot even see my own reflection properly, I cannot even read something that is 3 meters away and there I sit judging myself. How is that fair? I see women walking by and I find them, each one of them beautiful and confident and so bold and shy and everything nice. And I look at myself and think why I couldn’t be that strong to feel that way about myself, to send the same vibe out to someone who is probably killing themselves over their looks. See, the problem lie in the roots.

But I am constantly trying. Not by trying beauty products, nope! But by eating right to keep me healthy. I am not trying to woo away the guys with my looks and throwing some unnecessary bone to them to draw attention, but constantly trying to get my mind away from negativity I have created about myself within me. I am not investing largely on some doctor to give me “society described look”, but I am going online and talking to people about our bodies, how it functions, how it changes with age, the hormonal effects, the nutrition requirements and I am grooming myself that way. I have spent a lot on beauty products, and trying to look good, and wanting to look good without wearing any make up. But no concealer and liner or beauty cream can make me feel good, but me! No beauty products really worked, unless you are using something to cool your skin, you know the refreshing feel in the summers. There I was successful. But otherwise it was a waste. Now I try and invest on my health instead. In pampering myself, getting the much-needed hair spa now and then, a nice mani-pedi, a soothing massage. I work out and I push my body to heal in the process. I have grown mentally and physically. I have grown so much to be able to move another girl and see beyond these beautifully and carefully designed standards. Yes, I am still failing to make myself feel that till now. And it’s okay, because the first thing is to be aware that the outside world does not get to validate me, unless it is my performance review at my job which determines my hike. I am my own validation and I know it. I just must work towards it.

So the point is you don’t need an hourglass figure to rock a bikini, you just need the bank balance (or an angel to gift it to you *wink*). So, go buy that dress that you liked and weren’t sure what society would think, or let your teeth sink into that cake that you love, then go for that run you need to feel liberated. Eat, sleep, exercise and invest in yourself, in what you want and not what the society thinks. Learn that language you love, learn MMA, get bruised, get rough or get married to the one you feel worth it and be happy making home with him/her. It is all on you. Grow as a person. Not for anyone else. Learn to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile and be flustered at the way you look at yourself with a desire to love yourself as if a lover so passionate. You are not born to make others feel good, or just to be married. You are not a baby making machine either. You are a lot more. You are a miracle. You are a blessing in every shape, size and color. You are beautiful and no magic words can make you feel that unless you let it break through to you. I am working on it. You should too. Do not look at the shiny hair or the flawless skin or the sexy dress next time a pretty lady passes you by. Instead see how she feels confident about herself, how she cares not about anyone, look how her boldness makes her beautiful. Look at that, take that from her. How she simply slays it. Because she is about that. It is tough, I get it. But you will never get there if you keep taking the wrong steps instead of the right. Even the biggest discoveries in science has room for variables. A healthy body and a healthy mind are your CONSTANT!

Let’s stop promoting the fairness cream and those supplements to enhance your assets. Let’s promote the girl now, let’s promote the women. Let’s promote Her.

Story by: Tabassum Nasrat

In frame: Tabassum Nasrat

Saturday, 4 March 2017

work

Love, That I Lost to Hate by Shristi Nangalia

wearedarshatha 17:00

“Tea?” I asked, like every other day when he is back from the office.

“Ah! Sure. Today was again a stressful day. But you know, I figured out something really important today.” he was smiling.

“What is it?” I smiled back.

“Hehe, it relates to the research I am working on. I was going a little off-track. But, today I fixed it. It was so obvious that I felt sheepish later. But, you see? It was all for the good.” It seemed as if he was talking in his sleep, as if he was in his own dreamland. I loved this thing of his. I couldn’t stop smiling.

And “That’s so good, Suru.” is all I could say.

“Yeah. I have to go back and continue even today.” Suru said.

“You have been doing this often lately. I just want you to take care.”

“Yeah, I know. I want to finish this soon and correctly. Ajay have been helping me constantly. We are good.”

“You don’t look good with dark circles.” I complained, only to keep the conversation going.

“I am dark already. And we are in the United States. Nobody can tell if I have dark circles. Haha!” the optimist joked.

“Don’t say that. You are the brightest thing in my life.”

“Aww... and you are mine.”

“Come back soon, Suru.”

“Of course! Thanks for the tea, Soni. I will see you tomorrow morning then.” he was all set to leave for the office again.

“Hmm... I will miss you.” I meant it.

“Aww.... No, you wouldn’t miss me. Because, you would be having a super tight sleep now. You too are working and you get tired, don’t you?” his eyes were in mine.

How does he always manage to make things sound so right?

“Yes... I do...”

“Good. Now, go sleep like a baby. Take care.” He gave a quick kiss on my forehead and went past the main door. I locked it and went to bed obediently.

----------------------

I woke up to see his sleeping and almost smiling face next to me. I checked my phone, got freshened up and went into the kitchen following the daily routine.

“Good morning, Soni.” said a deeper voice of Suru from a distance.

“Good morning. All well?”

“Yes. I had a lovely sleep. So did you. I came back around 3, took a bath and slept beside you. You did not have a hint.”

“Oh! I am so sorry....” I felt guilty.

“Hey, I am kidding. Even, I did not want to wake you up. Now, take the sorry back.” He said.

“Okay... I take it back. Wait on the table, I will bring your tea and the newspaper is on the console.”

“Thank you.”

I woke up at the same time each day but a few days, I don’t know why, I run late. Like, today.

“Can you help me pack the lunch?”

“Noooo... I can’t.”

“What do you always do this, Suru? Why can’t you?”

“Soni.... If I pack my lunch, I would know what I would eat later on. But if you pack it, I will have that surprise element.” He had his excuses.

I waited a bit to digest what he had just said. But then, I couldn’t control my laughter.

“Hahaha! You talk like a comedian.” I said.

He had his funny child-like face on.

“When we will be having a baby, he is sure going to look like you. Exactly this face of yours!”

“No, I would want him or her to look like you.” He said checking his phone.

“We will see.”

“My Whatapp friend’s group is full of messages. Ritvik is getting married, finally!”

“Ritvik from Mumbai?”

“Yes. He is inviting us.”

“Oh, let’s try and take a few days break then. Our long-thought India trip is yet to happen. Maa will be very happy too.”

“You are right. Let me see if I can get a leave.”

“Okay then. I am going to get ready. I am running late. Here, your lunch box.” I handed him the box.

“Anna datha suhkhi bhava!” he said, raising his arm.

He said this phrase every time he is elated with someone’s offering food to him. It sometimes feels so good to listen to our regional languages while living in the States. Detached, yet still very rooted. That is how Suru is. I always asked him if he misses his country or wants to go back because I knew he was one true and loyal citizen. But he was an optimist. He believed if we can live here happily, we should continue to live here... happily. He believed that unless we are good to others, others will be good to us.

----------------------

Later when I was at my office, I received his text-

Going to the grill and bar with Ajay in the evening. See you straight at dinner.

Little did I know- that this was going to be a lie; that he was not going to see me at dinner that night; that he was not going to see me ever. He never returned. They say he was shot. An overactive ‘fairer’ man misunderstood him due to his colour. At first, it felt like I would go and take away his life. But then, what difference would this make? This wouldn’t bring back my Suru. And Suru would not suggest me to do this... if he was alive.

I did not realise, that I never thought how life would be without Suru. That is why I stay clueless even now... about what actually will happen with me. What made the guy shoot and kill another guy? Hate? Hate for a skin colour, for an entire race? Or was it intolerance? Does it have to do anything with co-existence? Why couldn’t he just live with the hate? How does this hate empower us to the limit that we loose our senses? What did he get out of this? He is going to sleep alone in an empty grey cell for the rest of his life. What a reward he got... for spreading hate.

But the hate remains... in every one of us. Millions of examples lie in front of us. They just lie- dead. Somebody pick them up! Somebody give them a meaning! Somebody show how powerful its antonym, love, is!