Darshatha- the visible voice : mentality

Showing posts with label mentality. Show all posts

Saturday, 10 October 2020

Chasing Happiness by Juhi Meshram

We often say, “I am anxious”, “I am stressing out”, “ I am so depressed” and what we hear in return, “You will be fine” , “you are worrying too much”, “you are overreacting” etc. We often are considered “dramatic” or “making excuses” to gain attention, sympathy or simply to avoid working. In the past I have been no different than society in thinking this way about mental health. If I am not happy that means I am expecting too much, If I am not focusing then I am clearly making excuses because I actually cannot do it, if I am stressed or anxious then I am overreacting or If I am depressed then I am seeking attention. It doesn’t change until we experience the extremes, let me tell you all about it.

One day I woke up and felt immense pain in my chest, like I was sinking and floating at the same time but not swimming. Something really bad had happened and the event was too much for me to take alone. I waited for two days, I thought it to be a mere sickness or an after effect of crying all night. I wasn’t sleeping. I decided to meet a doc and he asked me how I was feeling and I started crying. I cried so much I had to step out of his cabin to calm myself to normalcy. Looking at my condition I was advised to see a psychiatrist where I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder.

No matter how much I had claimed of struggling in my life, those were the most dreadful days. There was immense pain in my chest, I used to experience panic attacks when I felt palpitations, deep chest pain and a shrinking void heart. I used to find it difficult to get out of bed, yet sleeplessness was constant. I used to feel restless all day long and my emotions were always hyped. I wasn’t able to focus on a single emotion, a single thought process or a single activity at a time. Nothing was pleasing me and everything was bothering me. I was on medication, slowly I started working out and meditating but with this I was also gaining weight. I was eating good but the grief was too much to make me look good, I had breakouts all over my face and the stress level was so high I just wasn’t keeping it inside. I experienced breaking down before my friends and family, So I started giving more time to art and literature as distractions but these same things which used to make me alive earlier started making me insecure, I lost interest in my job and soon resigned.

Today, It has been 11 months that I am seeking professional help and now I know how serious mental health is. I am not as vulnerable as I was in the beginning of my treatment. I carry myself quite well now. But it has changed me a lot. During covid-19 I have completely taken a break from professional work and pursuing writing and other interests. But I have no regrets because I am doing better. I started educating myself on mental health and mental illness. I started taking every moment seriously. I am more aware about myself than I ever was and I am settled with my priorities being happiness and peace before money and recognition. But it hasn’t changed the people around me. When I say I am feeling pain I am told to sleep and not think about it, If I open up about my condition people label me as attention-seeker and If I say I am doing better but the pain is constant I hear how I am adapting this lazy nature and don’t want to get better. My own mother called me weak-hearted, my friends complained of my changed behaviour and involvement in their lives and my brother called me mad. It doesn’t mean they aren’t caring for me or not supporting me, it just means they are not ready to change their mindset towards mental illness.

Let me give you a bit of what I have understood with my experience so far,

-If you think you aren’t happy just stop! Take a break and ask yourself why.

-If you see any behavioural, emotional, actional changes in yourself or in your people take it seriously.

-Listen to people in such conditions and be supportive.

-You aren’t crazy if you are seeking professional help, you are just ill and you are going to be better.

-Medical help is not everything, personal and social positivity affects the treatment a lot.

- No matter how much you educate yourself about mental illness, there are always people who think you are weak and making excuses.

-It’s not your job to educate them, just say yes and move forward.

-There are so many other types of mental illness than anxiety like Clinical Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Dementia,ADHD, Schizophrenia, OCD, Autism, PTSD and every one of them needs equal attention.

-Feeling down, unfocused, excessively emotional, tired,detached, short tempered, delusional, sleepless, irregul in eating, chnaged sex drive, violent, angry or suicidal is very normal if you are mentally ill.

-Start normalising people having mental illness because others aren’t going to do it for you.

I have shared my experience to reach a person who is suffering the same and letting him/her know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t weak. I have been on that edge and am coming out stronger and so you will. If you think of someone who needs to hear this please share this story.

Juhi Meshram

Darshatha

Monday, 14 September 2020

sunset

आत्मघात by Adity Sanker Pandey

wearedarshatha 19:21

उस कमरे के एक कोने में वो गुमसुम बैठा करता था,

मुख में ना शब्द , इशारों में वो सबकुछ कहता रहता था।

थे जो सवाल उसके मन में वो सबके लिए अनायास थे,

उसके लिए जीवन उसका अब बस उनके जवाब ही थे।

ढूंढा उसने जो किताबों में, कई मंदिर और मजारों में,

जवाब मिला वो पागल है, है शंका है उसके खयालों में।

फिर वापस आकर कमरे में, अकेले में सन्नाटे से,

फिर वही प्रश्न पूछे उसने इस बार मगर, दीवारों से।

क्या ऐसा है कि हैं ही नहीं वो उत्तर इस संसार में ही,

फिर क्यों ना किताबों कि माने और पूछें उस भगवान से ही।

हां अभी जहां तुम बैठे हो, हां वहीं बनी एक सूली थी,

हां वहीं फिर से एक और जान घंटो तक उससे झूली थी।

स्वर्ग द्वार पे खड़े हुए, जब उसने अन्दर कदम ना रखा,

परमात्मा को भी उसके फिर परमार्थ भाव का मनन हुआ।

दे दो उत्तर उन प्रश्नों का मुझे वापस श्रृष्टि पर जाना है,

मेरे जैसे कमजोर पड़े नादानो को मुझे बचाना है।

उन प्रश्नों का उत्तर तो तू उस धरती पे ही छोड़ आया है

यहां तो ना हैं सवाल , ना प्रकृति ना माया है।

था जब मनुष्य का सृजन हुआ, अलगाव का ना जन्म हुआ,

फिर भी ये कुछ यूं जुदा हुए, खुद से ही यूं बेहूदा हुए,

की एक था वही ढूढ़ रहा, जो दूजे के पास था रखा हुआ

फिर भी उसको ना फर्क पड़ा, पहला मरा या है ज़िंदा,

स्वार्थ इनपे जब हावी हुआ, "बस मै" का भाव तब हावी हुआ।

तुम्ही देखो जब खुद तुमने अपना ही संघार किया,

इनकी दुनिया क्या रुकी, थमी ? क्या एक पहर भी किसीने उपवास किया?

दुनिया तो बस चलती गई, चलती गई बस चलती गई।

Penned by: Adity Shanker Pandey (guest writer)

Presented by: Darshatha

Image by: Anonymous source of a beautiful sunset.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

womanhood

Yes, I am an Intersex. - II by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 19:15

In continuation of 'Yes, I am an Intersex.- I'

http://www.darshatha.in/2017/10/yes-i-am-intersex.html

It was another clinic. And! I wondered why she pulled me out of one hospital just to push me into another. In last few days my whole world had turned upside down and nobody was telling me what why when. My parents wanted me to take the surgery so I did, my mother wanted me to escape it so I did, they wanted me to not ask anything so I did. But I was not a puppet, I still am not. How could anyone treat me like that. I was standing there at the middle of clinic reception and all these thoughts surrounded me all at once. I freaked out and just ran out getting rid of maa’s hand. As soon as I reached the main gate running across the garden, I felt a strong hold on my hand that stopped me. I turned to see maa. I was crying so bad that I couldn’t hear her screams. She must have held me tight because I had no control over my body. I was fighting to get out of there all at once. It is then that her words came out, “I will tell you everything, all at once.... but then you have to promise me that You will come here with me... promise?” I calmed a bit and then agreed. I had no choice. Maa took a cab to Mid-day cafe. She was continuously talking to me. At one point, I asked her, “how do I trust you... you have lied before” and she didn’t freak out at me but replied generously, “hear me first and then trust your instincts. I won’t ask you for anything then.”

The aroma of coffee and a less crowded space relaxed my body but my mind was not resting, “would you please.. now tell me...? Everything.” She ordered a sandwich and coffee first, may be she was checking on my patience and then she chose to tell me, “you were inside me and everything was normal. We didn’t know your gender but we did know about our baby. Everything was fine. Your papa gave me all the love and care. And then! You were born. And I cannot tell you how happy I was. But! Then there were some issues....mm... you are fifteen. I should tell you. Nimmi! Nimisha! When you were born, you were a normal child. You were healthy. And doctors told us that you were girl. And...”

“What do you mean they told you... I am a girl” I interrupted but she didn’t mind it.

“Hunny, how do you know You are female? How do I know? Yes there are majorly two type of bodies and the two types have different parts, different vocal quality, different genitals and different chromosome that lead to different experiences in life due to physical infrastructure. These two types are attracted towards each other. So we call them male and female. We. For our convenience. God hasn’t assigned it. God, or you can say our creator. We have named Him God. And we want these body types to behave the way we want. We call ourself society and set rules for these bodies. I could be a male and your father could be female... if the society had said so. So in that sense...you were a female. But this is how we understand humans. But we are small people and the creator has a lot to offer us. He haven’t just created these two types.... you have heard of transgenders,right? What do you know about them?” She asked me and I was so frightened, “ their gender identity is different from what they have been assigned”. She replied quickly,” perfect! This is what you have read. This is right but very brief. Like we know two body types namely male and female. But there are not just body types. Males and females brains are differently wired, their external genitals, internal, there chromosomes, everything... everything together make them what they are called. But transgenders or more specifically trans man do not have the combinations similar to normal man and a trans woman do not have everything similar to normal woman. That is why we call them that. And we don’t even accept them the way we should. This is the reason you see them begging in the traffic signal and trains. We take their blessings but don’t take them. The families they are born to, don’t accept them and leave them to do all this.”

I got her point, “If we worship our creator then we should accept all its creation including animals,birds and transgenders.” And she went excited,” exactly! And may be we are getting it all wrong. May be, there are not just two body types. Yes what we call male and female are in majority but then transgenders are not made by mistake. They are just the third type of human we don’t understand. And have you heard about LGBT?”

I was quick to reply this time,” yes... lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender”

She was happy, “great! But this is what we commonly know in india. But the whole study says it is LGBTQIA. You know the initial four and then... Queer, Intersex and Asexual.”

“What are these?”, I had entirely forgot about my problem till then.

She started again, “queer is the type of human who don’t know their gender identity or sexual orientation or both. Intersex is a whole different thing, and asexual are people who have no sexual desires. Now these are different types of human we don’t consider normal but they exist normally, to a lesser number but they do.”

“What is about Intersex people?” I questioned.

“Intersex people are born differently from what we call a regular ‘male’ or ‘female’, they might have variations of chromosome, gonads, sex harmon or genitals. The real problem in India is, we don’t even know the existence of these variations in human being, we are still struggling with accepting LGBT, that America has done decades ago. It will take time for us to understand the other Q, I and A. It’s okay to take time, but the more time we take the more they will suffer.”

I knew every bit she said was right,”the reason you are telling me all this is because I belong to one of these, Do I?” It is then that I realised we might be talking about my problem.

“Yes. Now that I told you everything that I had I should tell you about your body. So, you were born normal but with time we got to know you had some issues at least we took it that way. Your vagina had a very small opening, you were small but we decided to consult doctor. You went through some tests.... and what we got to know after that completely shocked us. You went through test to know your internals, and...” , she held my hand,”you had no ovaries and uterus, instead you had testes and you deserve to know that you still have them.” I took my hands back or my senses do that I don’t know but I was moved. But maa didn’t stop, “nimmi, you were patient and understandable when I was telling you about these people but why are you crying now when you know you are one of them” I was crying, I was crying really bad,” I don’t know... I think we behave sane only when it is not related to us, and all the other times we freak”. There was a smile in her face. She

Came to my side and kissed my forehead, “you are my intellect child, you took all this really well. I was not accepting this from you. Okay... so now you know why We didn’t tell it to you before?” I nodded.

“You will now come with me to the doctor?” I nodded again. I was still crying but I dared to ask again, “but! If... I never ever had... reproductives than... why the doctor was operating me?” She paused and I knew she was again hiding something, “ you will get to know in the clinic”

It had been an hour and I was pretty much normal till the time we reached the doctor’s chamber. “ Hi, I am Mridul. i was supposed to tell you what you are going through but you just ran away and your mother did it for me.” He was saying and it was so embarrassing for me, “so! The only thing that I can tell you know is... I am not going to treat you because I can not. And for two reasons; one I am just a psychiatrist and second, you have no disease that need a treatment. And I am just going to counsel you” I nodded in agreement and he went ahead, “your mother got to know me from Gary, Gary is himself and intersex and is working as an activist for their well being in USA. I had met him during my visit to US for LGBT research and I got to know all this. So I help people here in India as condition for such people is worse here.” I interrupted,” but how did you know Gary, maa”. i felt guilty as no one responded, doctor continued with his words, “you really thank your mother and then you father too. It was new for them when you were born, but when you were 1 and a half years old, doctor told them to operate you and take your testes out, as it may lead to cancer. Your mother fought to your father and dismissed any kind of surgery till they fully understand your condition. And he agreed. They went on researching and talking to different people all these years when you were growing up. They met Gary online and them they met me last year.” He sighed and gulped some water, “But they were also meeting their family doctor because you know parents cannot take chance when it is about their child.” I had tears again in my eyes and he continued, “you can cry. You father just got influenced by doctors when they said testes would make you male gradually and it is not his fault. You can take out testes or keep them intact, it’s totally your call. But then you should know there are consequences when you do so. And even if you don’t take it out you are not going to face problems in life. The only thing you need to do is accept... the fact that you are an Intersex... there is nothing shameful... You are naturally this... and your body will not behave as female because it is not. If you understand these things your life will be as normal and as good as it is meant to be.”

It was not my only sitting with Dr Mridul. Whenever we needed guidance we went to him. That day when we went home, papa did not scold me or maa for escaping the surgery, he rather hugged us tight and cried his heart out. He didn’t want to lose us.

I am nineteen now. I am studying BA in sociology and I wish to work for people like me and help them lead a normal life. I have a boyfriend and we are so in love. No, I haven’t went a surgery. He knows what I am and he has no issue. And I am having a very simple life, my parents support me, nishu loves me and everything is so beautiful around me. I have an ambition in life and I love my life, I love mu body and I love myself. I still go to the walk in closet, undress myself and look into the mirror. But I end up smiling at the uniqueness of my edges and curves. I am so much feminine but in a different way. I am thankful to my parents for accepting me and letting me choose what I want to be.

They didn’t ask me to study science in 11th standard, they didn’t ever ask me to behave the way society wants me to and they didn’t ask me to behave like a girl. I am an Intersex and they let me be it.

November 8: Intersex Day of Solidarity (IDS), or Intersex Day of Remembrance, marks the birthday of Herculine Barbin, a now famous French intersex person. (Source- intersexday.org)

Thursday, 26 October 2017

womanhood

Yes, I am an Intersex. - I by Juhi Meshram

wearedarshatha 22:30

Yes, I am an intersex.

It was my 15th birthday. And I knew all about my surprise midnight party. Haha. My parents were really bad with keeping secrets, they still are. As I was left alone at my room, I was continuously looking at the clock tick-tocking to the last hour of the day. I walked around the room, peeped out of the locked doors, went to the balcony, and looked at myself a hundred times. I was wearing a pink nighty and had roughly tied my hair, a perfect midnight birthday-girl look. I was looking at myself. Tip to toe. I wasn’t curved like my friends. I was thin, my breasts were hardly round, but I had lovely pink cheeks. Maa would often tell me, “not all girls have curves and you are still young”. But, I was going to be fifteen and was excited to see my body grow to look feminine, like my mother’s.

Suddenly! The doors opened and there was everybody; maa, papa, nishu, masi and tiffy. They screamed together, “ happy birthday nimmiii”, and my fifteenth birthday began.

I woke up early that morning. Dressed up for school, as I was stepping downstairs I heard my parents talking.

“She is fifteen now, till when do you think shall we wait to tell her?”, I knew they were talking about me.

“It is not easy, you have handled her the way you wanted but this time I will do it my way”, Papa responded furiously.

I could hear everything as the staircase was adjacent to the walls of kitchen ending before the dining, but they couldn’t see me as I was mid way on stairs.

Papa left for office and I entered the space.

Maa, as usual, put on a smile, as if nothing happened. She praised, “you are looking pretty and got ready on time, sorry I couldn’t wake you up... mm.. I was busy making this..”, and she offered me my favourites breakfast; aloo parathas, baked potatoes, strawberry shake, and much more. She made me forget everything with this and I ate a mouthful of it all.

I got a lot of gifts that day. My birthday party was something that my friends did not forget for months. The food, music, , decoration and the hosting by my family amazed everyone.

But I was stuck by something. The thing, they were not telling me. I knew there was something wrong with me. I was sitting at my room that night with an overloaded bed with gifts. My little sister, nishu was so excited to open them all at once, but I couldn’t match up to her excitement. I excused her and went to washroom. I undressed myself and looked at my body. My walk in closet had full length front and side mirrors, I could see every inch of mine. It wasn’t the first time I was doing this. I had even searched on the internet for a teen girls body and how it should grow. Maa always avoided this conversation whenever I had asked her. My parents used to talk about me secretly and their discussions were always serious. I sometimes felt I was the reason for disputes between them, for some unknown reason. But.... never dared to ask them. I was not usual. My privates looked different to what I had found in pictures on internet. I didn’t feel the way my friends used to feel when talk about any senior boy, there was so much that I had to know. I was staring to my naked self when nishu knocked the doors. “didi! Papa is calling you”

We were there, all three of us. Maa, papa and me. And there was silence. Because I dared to ask this time... “what is wrong with me?”

My parents couldn’t say a word as I continued, “I know there is something that you two are hiding. You were talking even in the morning about it. Why are you not telling me. I am fifteen, you people should tell me. I am grown up.”

They calmed me down as I was getting hyper. And then Papa signed maa to proceed, “Nimmi! First of all I don’t want you to freak out. We understand, you are grown up and you need to know things... about yourself that we know. When you were born you were infectious, even we don’t know the reasons but you were. After few days when you were born, we had to admit you in the hospital because you had urinary blockage.... and that infection couldn’t be treated. That is the reason...”, maa was yet to complete when I freaked out, “ what? What infection? Why is it not treated yet and why not I know this...” but she calmed me again.” Beta, you were not at the age to understand these things... are you getting me?..... would you please listen?”

I settled down on sofa near them and maa continued, “so we want you to know and understand it fully before we treat you... and we will see your doctor tomorrow and get it done. Okay?”

“ but what is the infection? I am sure it is the reason of my slow growth, please tell me” I requested. But they asked me to wait till the next day.

What I was told the next day took my world to an extreme end. The doctor’s words were pinching and snatching my head. “You have an infection in you genitals by birth. The reason you don’t experience menstrual cycle..... we have to take your genitals out so that you don’t catch cancer” I was shattered. I couldn’t utter a word. We came back home and I went straight to my room and locked myself. For hours, I was there in the bathroom crying and crying. With maa continuously tapping the doors. It is when I heard her sobbing that I came out. I announced to my parents that I was ready for surgery. They hugged me. And told me I was the bravest. I couldn’t let my mother cry and I knew it was better to leave a part of womanhood than to die of cancer.

The days before surgery were killing me to every bit. I thought i will die, thought my parents would not love me anymore because I will not be able to produce child. Nishi will not love me anymore for not telling her what to do when have periods every month. I was having bad thoughts. All bad thoughts. I was admitted to the hospital a day before the surgery and papa was there with me. I wanted maa to be there but she was home. They told me nishu needed maa and they wanted to keep her away of this. The next morning Maa called papa and told that he had to visit some client. He kissed my forehead and said to be back soon. The surgery was yet to be done when maa came. I was so happy to see her. I told her how much I needed her. I held her tight. But, she held me even tightly and said something I was not expecting, “nimmi, we are going to a place today. We can have this later when you are ready.” I was not getting any of it but she didn’t seem to care. She didn’t care of what the doctor said and took me out of that dooming scenario.

Next, we were on cab and maa was continuously ignoring papa’s calls. I remember, that was the first time I had heard the word ‘intersex’ and it was unknown to me then, that this word will become my identity.

To be continued...