Stubborn Hopes by Shristi Nangalia

 

I have always been said that fears, remorse and regrets are paralytic. But lately I have realized that the reason for my decision paralysis is.. Hope. 

While things around me take their sweet time to fall into place, I waited. I waited for magic to happen, I waited for signs from the universe, I waited for the wrong to turn right on its own... hoping it was possible and that it will happen tomorrow, or day after, or months after.. 

Soon enough, after perceiving that its unrewarding, I started fearing hope itself.. which seemed to turn even more futile for my growth. I needed answers. Should I hope or should I not? Does hoping involve a strategy? If not hope, what do I hold on to? 

And then yesterday, when I was trying to fall asleep late in the night, my phone buzzed. It was an email from 'The Artidote'. It was their weekly newsletter about self-faith, penned by Jova. I opened the email and started reading... 

What does it feel like to have full faith in yourself?

What must it feel like to hold a deeper knowing that you can trust?

When we dare venture to move beyond what we currently know and experience something new (gain new perspective), not only may we be able to answer some questions we’ve already posed for ourselves… but we may find answers to questions we don’t yet know to ask.

But you gotta dare venture. Otherwise you will remain with the same questions in a loop; coming up with answers based on a limited perspective of where you've already been..

We cannot be afraid of something we don’t know (because we haven’t been there). It's impossible, literally. What we are afraid of is repeating old knowns.

That’s why meditating on what it means (and feels like) to believe in myself has been crucial in this moment of my life. Knowing that I will always know what’s best for me and that I will always have my back, no matter what new territory I reach, has made all the difference.

Some people call it “confidence.” But confidence is really only the belief that you are always capable of learning new things.

I paused for several moments. I re-read it. 

I understood that its not hope that I should cultivate.. It should be belief. A belief that I have what it takes to change my life for the better. 

I understood that I have it all- experience from what's done, acceptance of what's to come and tendance for self. 

Rather than outsourcing good feelings, I promised myself to try to produce them myself with the gifts from life available to me. 

I set up an alarm 30 minutes preceding to what I usually set and tried to sleep.

Written by- Shristi Nangalia

On cover- Smita Sharan