The Knot by Shristi Nangalia

I tightened the grip over my pheran when a cold gush of wind swayed through me. It was just like another cold winter morning. I was sitting on the curved edge of the lake, thinking about my father. And, I was trying not to.

I slid my leg down towards the water inch by inch. The water surface felt like glass, tight and shiny. Just when I put my whole foot on the icy floor, it cracked open and I lost balance. I frantically grabbed the branch of the tree hanging just beside me. My feet were in water and I couldn't move for a generous amount of time. I was not thinking straight. The sudden thought of drowning in this disturbingly cold water made me jump out of the lake at once.

I was back, sitting. This time, I couldn't feel my feet inside the shoes. I managed to stand after a very long time. Later, I started marching back home with my heavy bag.

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"Did you get the fish?" mother asked.

"No." I replied, pretending to look uninterested.

"What!! I told you!! We are expecting guests if you remember!!" she started shouting.

"Maaaa, calm down. The fish is in the bag." I smiled, warming my legs with the woollen scarf.

"Ohhh, Hahaha! My sweet Lado!" She vanished into the kitchen with the bag in no time.

My cousins were visiting us from Srinagar for the first time. Mother wanted to give them the best hospitality.

"What can I help you with?" I stood up wearing two socks together and went towards the kitchen.

"Chop these." She slid a plate full of veggies towards me. "Have you set the music player up?"

"Ma! What will we do of the music player? Play musical chair?" I was getting irritated.

"Zoon! You are 23 and you still argue like a kid. Be nice to them. Anjana likes you very much. She always asks me to tell you to talk to her.... and Aditya, he is a sweet boy too. Always listens to his elders....” and she was doing it again. Her anxiety was making her chatter. This happened every time when she had a lot of work to do.

We cooked and did the dishes. The temperature started lowering around 2.30 pm. Mother was getting worried because they were to reach before it was 2 pm.

"Maybe we should...." the door knock interrupted her."Finally they are here!"

She ran to open the door.

"Come come!! Soon! It is very cold outside! Get yourself covered. How are you both? How come you are late? Was the road not good? Did th...."

"Ma! Let them answer one-by-one!" I broke her speech.

Anjana and Aditya were covered with woollens. They seemed lost upon the bombardment of my mother's questionnaire.

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It was already late. We did not take time to gulp down the yummy dinner. Soon we were gathered to drink the mandatory kaada, covered in quilts. Ma was somewhere in the bedroom.

“Thank you, aunty! It is warming up the whole body!” said Aditya, loud enough to let Ma hear.

“Yes, it is. And we know aunty is a great cook. The fish was delicious.” Anjana said with the widest smile.

‘They are sweet’ I thought in my mind. “She likes to cook, and this fish is one of the special items.” I was trying to look sweet too.

“It is called the Hokh Gard, isn’t it?” a curious Anjana asked.

“Yes, Anju.” I said. Ma came with scarves for all of us.

“Wasn’t this fish curry Ratan uncle’s favourite too?” Anjana asked.

Aditya glanced up immediately. Ma was staring at Anju, but soon she turned away. And I pretended not to hear her.

“I will go and make the bed for all of us.” I said and walked away.

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Ratan Neka is my father. He was in the transport business, so he had to travel a lot. It was last year’s winter evening, Ma’s friend from the town came to inform her that my father had been attending and visiting another woman. The cold weather and stirring news was sucking all the senses out of her, but she opted to regain strength. She chose to ignore her, believing it was just a rumour.

The next morning, my father was home. Ma did not bother him with any query or even a single doubtful question. It was a cold evening and we finished dinner early. They both covered themselves for a long walk to the lake. It was a mandatory thing that Ma had enforced. I bid them goodbye and settled under the quilts with a nice book. They did this walk after every dinner, whenever we all were together. But this time, only Ma returned back home.

Some say my mother pushed my father into the freezing lake after knowing that he was an infidel. Some say she took her revenge. It was a chilly winter night of doom for us. Eventually, everyone disowned us. Just like Ma did the other day, I chose to ignore what everybody said or did. I never had the courage to ask her what happened that night. Since then, I have feared winters, the season that I once loved. Since then, the thought of drowning in the icy lake make me sick in my spine, as if I have felt it myself. Since then, whenever I pass the lake or sit around it, I try not to think about him, but I fail.

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“Let me light the Kangri again. Can you place the lamp near the outdoor tap?” I asked Ma while she was standing against the wall, lost in her thoughts.

“Ye-yeah.” she abruptly went towards the store room.

After lighting the pots, I went outdoor to check on Ma. I saw her struggling to light the lamp while she was wiping tears off her face. I stood there for a moment, feeling bad for her. There was nothing that I could do.

I ran and hugged her from the back. She couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I did n-not do it. I did n-not kill your fa-father.” she said, breathing heavily.

I hugged her tighter.

“It was an ac-accident. Th-the soil was slippery...he sl-slipped... he went out of sight in no ti-time.... I stood there staring!! Coward I am....” she broke into huge cries.

“Let it go, Ma. Let it go.” 

I did not know how to handle such situations. I kept hugging her tightly. We both cried. This cry was held back since last winter. It was much needed- letting go.

Anjana and Aditya were listening. They came and hugged us from behind. Nobody was saying a word. We had a moment of unity. This moment of silence cleared everything.