Chasing Happiness by Juhi Meshram

We often say, “I am anxious”, “I am stressing out”, “ I am so depressed” and what we hear in return, “You will be fine” , “you are worrying too much”, “you are overreacting” etc. We often are considered “dramatic” or “making excuses” to gain attention, sympathy or simply to avoid working. In the past I have been no different than society in thinking this way about mental health. If I am not happy that means I am expecting too much, If I am not focusing then I am clearly making excuses because I actually cannot do it, if I am stressed or anxious then I am overreacting or If I am depressed then I am seeking attention. It doesn’t change until we experience the extremes, let me tell you all about it.

One day I woke up and felt immense pain in my chest, like I was sinking and floating at the same time but not swimming. Something really bad had happened and the event was too much for me to take alone. I waited for two days, I thought it to be a mere sickness or an after effect of crying all night. I wasn’t sleeping. I decided to meet a doc and he asked me how I was feeling and I started crying. I cried so much I had to step out of his cabin to calm myself to normalcy. Looking at my condition I was advised to see a psychiatrist where I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder.

No matter how much I had claimed of struggling in my life, those were the most dreadful days. There was immense pain in my chest, I used to experience panic attacks when I felt palpitations, deep chest pain and a shrinking void heart. I used to find it difficult to get out of bed, yet sleeplessness was constant. I used to feel restless all day long and my emotions were always hyped. I wasn’t able to focus on a single emotion, a single thought process or a single activity at a time. Nothing was pleasing me and everything was bothering me. I was on medication, slowly I started working out and meditating but with this I was also gaining weight. I was eating good but the grief was too much to make me look good, I had breakouts all over my face and the stress level was so high I just wasn’t keeping it inside. I experienced breaking down before my friends and family, So I started giving more time to art and literature as distractions but these same things which used to make me alive earlier started making me insecure, I lost interest in my job and soon resigned. 

Today, It has been 11 months that I am seeking professional help and now I know how serious mental health is. I am not as vulnerable as I was in the beginning of my treatment. I carry myself quite well now. But it has changed me a lot. During covid-19 I have completely taken a break from professional work and pursuing writing and other interests. But I have no regrets because I am doing better. I started educating myself on mental health and mental illness. I started taking every moment seriously. I am more aware about myself than I ever was and I am settled with my priorities being happiness and peace before money and recognition. But it hasn’t changed the people around me. When I say I am feeling pain I am told to sleep and not think about it, If I open up about my condition people label me as attention-seeker and If I say I am doing better but the pain is constant I hear how I am adapting this lazy nature and don’t want to get better. My own mother called me weak-hearted, my friends complained of my changed behaviour and involvement in their lives and my brother called me mad. It doesn’t mean they aren’t caring for me or not supporting me, it just means they are not ready to change their mindset towards mental illness.

Let me give you a bit of what I have understood with my experience so far,

-If you think you aren’t happy just stop! Take a break and ask yourself why.

-If you see any behavioural, emotional, actional changes in yourself or in your people take it seriously.

-Listen to people in such conditions and be supportive.

-You aren’t crazy if you are seeking professional help, you are just ill and you are going to be better.

-Medical help is not everything,  personal and social positivity affects the treatment a lot.

- No matter how much you educate yourself about mental illness, there are always people who think you are weak and making excuses.

-It’s not your job to educate them, just say yes and move forward.

-There are so many other types of mental illness than anxiety like Clinical Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Dementia,ADHD, Schizophrenia, OCD, Autism, PTSD and every one of them needs equal attention.

-Feeling down, unfocused, excessively emotional, tired,detached, short tempered, delusional, sleepless, irregul in eating, chnaged sex drive, violent, angry or suicidal is very normal if you are mentally ill.

-Start normalising people having mental illness because others aren’t going to do it for you.

I have shared my experience to reach a person who is suffering the same and letting him/her know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t weak. I have been on that edge and am coming out stronger and so you will. If you think of someone who needs to hear this please share this story.

Juhi Meshram

Darshatha